Everything I'm not ' Karjohn's Challenge
Your skin is horse chestnut, gleaming and dark. I want to polish it with eager palms, finger its lustrous surface. Beside you, I am pale - not the cream of pearls but the sallowness of frozen milk.
Your voice - even your laugh - is rich and warm, a timbre I have never heard before on these wan shores, where men walk colourless as ghosts against the rain.
I want you to swallow me whole. I want to travel through your veins and grasp your heart, your lungs, your brain.
But I am insubstantial as a wisp of fog. You look through me.
Want to comment on this Short Stories?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Short Stories and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
|
 |
|
[Back to top]
|
|
|
|
Yup, you're right. In the clear light of day (and with my thinking head on) heart, lungs and brain (but what about liver, kidneys, spleen, etc.) is fine.
Glad to be - Rosie - Grae:) |
|
|
Grae - you don't have to read (and comment on) everything I post, you know - you haven't signed a contract. And I'm sure I've missed a lot of your work... But thanks, nonetheless, for taking the time - I do appreciate it.
I'm not keen on the last line - in fact, I wanted to rework it, but all the people I asked at the time were adamant that it worked. There's something in the rhythm, more than anything, that jars, isn't there?
I deliberately chose lungs and brain, though, as I wanted something very animal and primal - she wants to devour him, really (all right, not literally, but you get what I mean). |
|
|
Sorry, I missed this one, Rosie. There is little more for me to say that has not been said before. I do have a feeling that the last line could be re-phrased, but it's just imo and feel that a single sentence combining both would work better as an ending.
It is lovely in its description and flows effortlessly.
The other thing is 'lungs' and 'brain'. I felt that 'breath' and 'mind' would have been the words of my choice. less technical, but more poetic. 'Heart' works well as we always talk about the 'heart' in poetry, but if we were to get down to ventricles and atriums then we become surgeons.
Just a thought on my look back at a work of yours that I had (sadly) missed.
take care - Grae:) |
|
|
Hello, Rosie~
This is really beautiful. Looking forward to reading more of your work!
I especially love "where men walk colourless as ghosts against the rain" and "I want to travel through your veins and grasp your heart, your lungs, your brain." Vivid, lovely.
~J. |
|
|
| Wow - thanks, everyone, for your lovely comments! |
| 1 2 3 Next |
|
