First there was the heavens and the Earth. And when it was seen that they were good, there were animals that ate the grass with the hoof and fish that swam the sea. Being also good there was other stuff until there was man on the sixth day. And it was, and ever shall be, that this day would be the longest day of the week.

And with great majesty and power, the Lord God decsended from heaven to the earth and his voice thundered down with much strength. "My children, Much doth I love thee and great were mine toils. I hath made it come to pass that...what Adam?"

Adam slowly let his arm fall and saith, "I'm hungry."

"I was just getting to that. Now I have made it come to pass that food shall be plentiful. Whether though walkest in the forest, where fruit adorns the many trees, or through the fields thou shall partake of...yes Eve?"

"Who's gonna prepare it?"

"Well", saith the Lord God losing his patience, "since thou cannot waiteth until I'm finished talking, THOU shalt now and forever be the one to cook it and clean up the mess thereof after meals are finish...eth.", The Lord God proclaimeth.

"GOD! Eve won't stop not touching me!" Adam saith.

"For what shall I do when Adam comes forth and holds me down thus, and winds upon my face, that I might sicken under the smell?" Saith Eve.

It was then that God made a seventh day, and wine. "My loving children, I have made a day of rest, that we might abstain from our work and enjoy some peace and quiet. Hitherto, thou shalt not work on this holy day, but instead sing hymns about my grace and rejoice in the bounty of the land I hath brought to be."

"Cool!" procclaimith Adam, and he went on to saith, "Eve, getteth thou into the kitchen and make your lord Adam and the Lord your God some pie! And Adam saw that it was cool.

Glad to be of service, Eve madith her way to to the kitchen beyond the tree of knowledge of good and evil when..."PSSSST." Eve looked around from the left and to the right, and seeing that no one was to be found to make the noise, continued on her way. "Psssst. came the noise again, and when Eve came to look up into the tree of knowledge of good and evil, she beheld the serpent and seeing that he was eating a forbidden apple, she began to call out to the Lord her father and tell on him. But knowing this was to come to pass, Satan jumped down and urged her to silence. "SHH, little one, doth it seem fair that Adam gets to sit on his backside while thou must toil in thou's work to feed him and serve him, and then cleaneth up after him. And doth he saith unto you a kind word for it?

"No. Adam must talk to the Lord our God about stuff, and let me know what he hath decreed, since I am not to read." Declared Eve. "Hard work it must be, for he cometh home exhausted and weeps that he can't reach his feet, that he might rub them himself. And days go by, when, he procclaimeth that the sun scorcheth his skin, and it is by the grace of God that he comes home with any skin at all. But lo, would that I had shoes for my aching feet, that I must walk forth, to and fro, from the kitchen, when the path is long."

"Well", saith Satan, "thine feet we will discuss later, but I will taketh thou yon to show thou the 'toils' of Adam that make him weep so."

And slowly, Eve followed the serpent to the garden, and lo, there was a table filled with her bountiful harvest she had wrought the night before. Thinking then, it was the raccoons that taketh her stores in the night, she saw now that Adam and the Lord their God were laughing and making merriment whilst she was to be making pie. Not knowing that this was deception, she saith unto the serpent, "Oh the toils Adam must endure to need a break in the midst of his holy work with the Lord our Father. That he must find the time, between his great works and enjoy merriment as he communes with our great Lord, and sets down things as they must come to pass for when we have children. So great is his work."

Satan shook his head. "Can thou not hear what they say? Can thou not hear the Laws they set forth from these days, stupid? There is a way that thou will see the truth of these things, and that is to eat of the tree of knowledge of good and evil."

Aghast, Eve turned away and started to go forth from the serpent. When the serpent saith, "I could make it come to pass that shoes will be made to fulfill all of thous imaginings, Prada and Gucci will fill the walls of thine home and thou shalt never fear for the nakedness of thou feet!"

"But mine feet are not naked". Replieth Eve.

"Oh yeah. Thou knowest not yet. But eat of this apple and thou shall know what it is to love things more than just Adam. Thou shalt find love in things made by the hands of man that have no use whatsoever to anybody, so great shall be thine love. So great shall it be that thou will find it necessary to decorate thines decorations, so great shall be thy's love that thou will find no color thou do not adore, and clothes will be in abundance that thou will not throw them away! And it will be that thou have in abundance what thou only need little or nothing of. It shall be that the oils for thou's hair will smell of flowers and berries. So great will be the strength of thine heart that thou will forever want more things on which to pour out thine love."

Contemplating greatly for a time, Eve came to a decision. "Shoes, thou sayest?"

"An abundance of shoes!"

At the tree of knowledge of good and evil, Eve saith unto the serpent, "Oh serpent, I knowest not that I should partake of this forbidden fruit and know things that I am not told by Adam my lord. Much time and great works produce the bountiful fruits of his labor that we eat thereof, and I must follow his words with faith that shall not fail. Not thought, but obedience to my lord is to be unwavering and steadfast. Should that I partake of this fruit, smited shall be my backside and thrown from this paradise I will be."

"Did I mention Bloomingdales?"

And it came to pass that the apple was gone from her hand and into her stomach.

And the sun went down and rose and it was the next day, and Adam saith unto eve, "Eve, go forth unto the kitchen and prepare a meal, that we might break our fast."

And Eve saith unto Adam, "Go forth and know thyself."

And so it was that the barbequer was made, that Adam might cook when Eve was unclean.

One day, as Adam was communing with the Lord, Eve was passing by and heard Adam as he spake. "For we shall make it so that no man will say unto his wife, 'Cook woman' for meals shall be ready when her lord cometh home." And the lord God saw that it was good. And so it was, so shall it ever be until Womans Lib.

And so Eve went forth to the tree of knowledge of good and evil and picked the fruit thereof, that she might make a pie for her Lord Adam.

And Adam came home, weeping for the pain in his back and saith unto Eve, "Come and lay your hands upon my aching back that smited while I toiled with the Lord Our God." To which Eve replieth, "The time shall come when I will do as thou sayest, but first, partake of this pie I have made from apple taken forth from the tree of knowledge of good and evil."

"Okay." Saith Adam

So it was that they knew each other for two days. And when they finished, Adam saith unto Eve, "Thou havest a nice rack, and mine they are and no others. I say that henceforth thou shalt wear the leaves of the trees over them, thus, so that no other might see thine perkiness."

And so the morning passed and Adam Felt the heat of the sun burning the chafe of his loins and it was not good. So when he went unto the garden to commune with the Lord their God, it was that he had leaves covering his sex.

And the Lord God spake and said, "Who toldest thou that thou art naked?"

"No one hath said unto me that I am naked. Raw I was when I knew my wife this night before." Adam saith as he nudged the Lord God with his elbow and smirkith." Long was the night and Eve was wanting for much knowledge."

"Anyways, much we have to discuss on this day." The Lord Spake as he was looking through the notes on his table. "First I shall have it be that a flawless heifer be sacrificed to me on a burning alter with Frankincense and Mir. And have it be that the garlic be no more than one clove, last time it gaveth me gas."

"Sorry bout that." Saith Adam.

"I forgive you." Saith the Lord. "And now I shall make it that all men be circumcised and..."

"Hold up there bucko! WHAT exactly was that, thou just saith?"

And The Lord God spoke with a thundering voice and saith unto Adam. "I want you to cut off thou's foreskin."

"Mm hmm," Adam saith as he drummeth his fingers on the table. "And from hence did this divine inspiration come forth?"

Not expecting any question to his will, the Lord God spoke down from the heavens.

"Huh?"

"What thou asks of me is more than I can bear, for the task is great and the little messenger quavereth in mine loins."

"Call forth Eve, your wife, and bring you both forth into my presence!" Thundered the Lord God.

And it was that Adam brought Eve forth and they knelt both of them into the presence of the Lord.

"How came it to be that you are both covered in leaves that hide your sex? Who was it that told thou that thou wast naked and must cover thine shame from The Lord your God? Speaketh thou of how it came to be that the tree of knowledge of good and evil bears no more fruit? SPEAK!"

"He did it!"

"She did it!"

They said as one.

And The Lord God spake and said unto them, "All I asked was that thou not eat from the tree, but didist thou listen to me? No, thou didnt. So THIS is how thou payest back my benevolence and love, THIS is what I get for creating the Heavens and the Earth for thou." God saith as he was pacing back and forth, throwing his hands above his head. "Did I ever once do something that was not for a reason?"

"Well there is that whole circumcision thing." Adam mumblith under his breathe.

"And I never asked to be unclean every month, and I still dont get why Adams ass must be so hairy. Cometh to think of it why...?

"Thou saidest thou liked it thus! That it was soft and reminded thou of the softest moss." Saith Adam.

"Adam," Eve saith with Barely controlled impatience, "tell me thou when was the last time thou sawest me braiding moss?"

"Infidels!" Thundered the Lord God. "Were thou there when I madeth the Earth? Hmm? What about the...the...CLOUDS? Were thou there when I made them? Huh? Can thou tell me whats in a cloud even? Well, can thou? Thouest guys are so immature, I wasted six days making the Earth for thou two ungrateful little shits. Thou can't even not eat a single medamned tree of apples when eatest thou could have of anything on the whole fricken planet. I cant believe..."

"Wait a minute. Thou can't do something!" Saith Adam.

"Get out of my Garden!" Thundered the Lord God. "OUT! OUT! OUT!" He thundered as he jumpeth up and down stomping his feet.

And so it was that Adam and Eve were banished forth from the Garden of Eden. And when, at the gates, they both looketh back, Eve Mumbled, "I hopest thou at least brought the barbequer..."

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