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un-extraordinary
I am no intellectual
I am no poet
I am no insanity ,though I always pretend to be
I am no irregularity that waits for sun to rise, to fall asleep.
Philosophy is seductive
well,(smirk) so am I
it's deceiving too
I am a traitor,a commoner,a fake.
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great succinct little piece you've got here.
i would recommend taking a little of the larger, more abstract words that conjure up many images and replace them with a more visible word. this will make the realness of your poem all the more real.
other than that, nothing! |
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Comment by: iris - 2007-09-04 12:54
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i like the combination of statement with the admission of your falseness...makes you all that more real.
i dont know how i feel about the dashes seperating the words at the end, though. commas or periods might work better. |
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| prochur gyan diyechey tokey dekhchi.. bhalo chaliye jao.. kichu suggestion nish.. shob bolish na tor money hoyechey that's it.. constructioner gondogol gulo dhoriye diley thik korey nish.. |
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perhaps instead of "well (smirk so am i)" you could possibly put it something like "well i smirk as so am i".
not too sure, always difficult puttin in aside movements and its difficult to read them in a poem as they seem not to fit.
Not sure you need the comma between "irregularity" and "that"
I like the idea of this piece, its almost a quick invasive glimpse into the mind of someone living in their own facade. |
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I like the sentiment here!
Think you could do with 'the' before 'sun', and a space before 'that' in line 4. Also, add a space between 'insanity,' and 'though' in line 3.
Delete the comma between 'well' and the bracket in line 6.
I particularly liked the lines:
'Philosophy is seductive,
well (smirk), so am I', though think the brackets would work better as I've done them here - just around 'smirk'.
I stumbled a bit over the narrator's being 'no insanity' and 'no irregularity'. I like the idea of a person's being something abstract, but perhaps it would work better if you used that concept throughout, saying 'intellect' and 'poetry' (or 'verse'), perhaps, earlier in the poem, for consistency.
Will get to your other piece in the next few days! It's nearly midnight here... |
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