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To the anonymous poet girl
She crafts words carefully
and murmurs aloud
while she weaves them
into a shroud.
She arranges lines softly
well into the night.
And they sing to her still
into the day's light.
GRAE'S EDIT
She crafts her words carefully
and murmurs aloud
As she delicately weaves
Them into a shroud.
She arranges lines softly
well into the night.
And they will sing to her still
Upon the day's light.
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| I like yours, Grae's isn't bad, but it seems to lose some of your voice in his version. My greedy plaster ass wants more from this, you have a nice flow through it, would be nice to see it about 3 to 4 times longer. |
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Comment by: Nora Online- 2008-01-03 16:42
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| I like the edit, too! And I'm glad you finally read the poem I wrote for you. Thanks for the challenge. |
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| Thank you! I disagree with most of those other people; the edit has its charms. Thank you for writing out of your norm, anyhow! I appreciate it =) |
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Comment by: irmosmp - 2007-11-07 18:44
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| hey nora, yea i agree with the others, i dig the first one more. But, i've never been one for extremely rule-abiding poetry. meaning and feeling has always resonated more and i think the first one is great. and it's somewhat lady empowering. I dug it. |
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| I'm with Willow...I think the first version has more of a appealing flow to it. Nice poem ya got there, little lady. |
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