[ I can't even remember when I wrote this)

While walking around town last month I encountered some drunken chav who started giving me abuse for absolutely no reason, like they are habitual to. He ran towards me in a brutish manner so I decided to punch him in the mouth, a squeaking sound seemed to project out of his mouth as he hit the ground.

What can I say? I see this as a great opportunity, I love science and hate chavs so my experiment shall be called, "Do chavs squeak when you punch them?"

When I see some stupid, spotty git with a burbery cap on and who's vocabulary doesn't stretch beyond "innit" it's like I go into autopilot and want to stamp on their heads. I don't really take into consideration what noise they usually make while I'm bashing them but it still remains one of the world great mysteries which I need to explore for the good of mankind.

Firstly, I'll give to give a definition and some background information on what a "Chav" before I carry out my experiment with test specimens then give a good analysis and conclusion into my findings to help broaden our knowledge in this area of science.

Chavs are a recent and rare phenomenon, they populate our towns and cities. Chavs are not apart of the human race, they branched away from the homosapien evolution tree (although it's unclear when this happened), they are known as "homo-chavs", they are similar to homosapiens but are mentally inferior (it is rare to meet a chav who's IQ is higher than his or her age), they also unfortunately have developed pack instincts like wolves. Chavs are very easily spotted by sight alone, they tend to wear trackies, base ball caps and trainers along with shitty fake golden jewelry which has turned green. Chav males expertise do not go beyond factory work and starting fights outside shops and/or bars. Chav females tend to expertise in pram pushing (it is a rarity for a chav female not to be pregnant by 14) and leeching benefits. Chav language varies but one cannot speak chav language unless ones brain has been permanently damaged with recreational drugs and/or househeld solvents. In English we only a limited number of words for the meaning 'theft', in chav language may have as many as 60 different words and meanings for this specific word.

TEST SUBJECT ONE: After a night of hard drinking last week I had run out of money, fuck I'll have to jog home 5 miles, I was pissed off. After joging 5 minutes I came to a shitty estate with most of the council houses windows boarded up, I can see a chav coming towards me in the distance, As we passed each other he looks at me, 'Av u got a fag mate or can I buy one off you?', He was a stout looking cunt with typical chav features such as wearing blue 3 stripped trackies, I decided to punch him right in the nose. I proceeded to kick fuck out of him in the name of science. Plus what better way to warm yourself up for a long jog than to punch a Chav. He hit the ground fast and made some pathetic wheezing noise.

ANALYSIS - it seems unclear, the was a definite loud crack when I punched him yet this must of drowned out any other noise what he made. I need more specimens I thought to draw an accurate conclusion.

TEST SUBJECT 2 - On Monday I decided it would be a good idea to go chav hunting in town. The chav population is enormous in town areas. After getting off the bus I instantly spot a target, I purposely barge into a fat looking chav (this one can aid the cause of science I thought) 'Are u fukin startin dik ed?', this sample looked a lot like my last, apart from he had obviously gone over the top with the jewellry from Argos. I had to be careful and remember not to start laughing after hitting him, I needed to listen to the subtle noise that he made.I decided to punch him in his throat, he expelled a gurggling noise and quickly dropped to the floor.

ANALYSIS - No obvious squeak was heard, but a clear squeak could have potentially been muffled by other sounds such as the gurggling. Unclear yet again.

TEST SUBJECT 3 - Yesterday I decided to look for a final and third specimen outside the arcades where many seem to prowl, I decided to be much more direct this time. I spotted chavs everywhere yet most of them were in large groups. After intensive watching I did indeed spot a lonely chav sitting on the bench. Some stupid ginger odd ball who looked ripe for a beating in the name of science. I decided to try and be more efficient and took approximately a 10 metre run up prior to me punching him for greater pound-force per square inch, which ended with a large crack, I managed to knock him straight off the bench and decided to stamp on his head a few times.

ANALYSIS: Groaning and screaming could be heard but so too could many other sounds. As a trained scientist i believe that he did NOT make any sort of squeaking noise.

CONCLUSION - After carrying out an intensive and accurate experiment I can conclude that Chavs do not make a squeaking noise when you kick fuck out of them.

I have solved one of lifes great mysteries, its been a great day for science.

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