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Wee Story #10 - Second
Frank sat hunched over the form 197, scribbling away, every once in a while looking up to survey the room for a moment before continuing. Everyone knew it was hard being 'Second in Command', even for a small business like this. The boss made you do all of the menial tasks, no matter how trivial.
Looking up again, Frank peered in the direction of the lounge. A smile spread across his face as he scribbled some more. He stood up and nodded greetings to co-workers as he walked by, all the while folding the form and placing it in an envelope.
After a short toss to the Mailman, Frank peeked into the main office and said words loud enough for everyone to hear. 'I just finished the order form and sent it off' and by the way, I quit.'
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2007-08-31 12:21
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Much better, Ryan - really picked up the pace.
One wee picky point:
In the first sentence, I'd replace the full stop after 'away' with a comma. I know that'll make it a long sentence, and a bit of a run on, but I think it'll enhance the idea of scribbling away.
Feel free to ignore.
Great edit - thanks for keeping going with the challenges.
Cheers
karen |
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| Edited a bit in hopes of making it "more smooth". |
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2007-08-31 10:12
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Ah, good for Frank. I was cheering him on there. Some unnecessary words here and there, but I'm sure you'd catch them with a wee edit, make it flow a little more smoothly.
Good one, Ryan - thanks for the read.
Cheers
Karen |
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Comment by: Nora Online- 2007-08-31 09:54
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this is officially the feel-good story of the day. thanks!
nora |
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I once went out to lunch and never came back. Some times, you just gotta go for it. The sentiments came trough clearly.
Thank you Ryan,
RJ |
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