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Red Porch
Pacing, always
pacing. The caged
tiger ant hill burning
burning lit cigarette
bastard.
The bastard taught
me everything
I know.
He once picked up a chair,
went as if to throw it
through the glass
back door
to the red porch.
The bastard grabbed a bottle
of lighter fluid,
dusted,
wild,
soberly
threatening to drink the bottle
because Auntie died.
Piss ant kids of his.
The bastard took me
to the back yard
squeezed the whirling
gasoline liquid into his mouth.
Scared the piss out of me.
He really did it.
I thought him dead,
about to fall over.
He pulled a lighter
from his back pocket
and that bastard
blew red red
flames, crazy
whirling taller than us
and more real than
god.
That bastard spit fire
from his mouth and
that was not the last
time.
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Breath-taking (pun semi-intended) A perfect example of a dysfunctional family moment as well as a child's perspective on it. '..more real than god..' - My favorite line. Defines the whole piece.
Wouldn't change a thing. Awesome job. :) |
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| I think this is one of your best works! Abstract and personal at once, it drew me in and held my interest till the ending, which needs no change whatsoever. My favorite line is "more real than God". |
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Comment by: sarra - 2007-11-05 22:26
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I read the critique here, the longest one and have to disagree. I think the use of 'the/that bastard' throughout conveyed a strong emotion to the feelings involved. Also, "Auntie" makes it very obvious that this lady was a well loved person in their life, unlike 'the bastard'. Sometimes things or even people we dont like don't deserve names in our own minds. If that makes sense.
I think the use of "Auntie" also added a lot more beCAUSE it gave a bit of information away. We now know that the protagonist could be a young person; 'the bastard' was obviously the father (my own interpretation) and it was plain black and white to me.
A LOT of emotion used perfectly; nothing was over or under dramatized what so ever.
This is one of my favorites from you so far. |
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| Thank you. I agree that dusted or soberly could change. Your other suggestions missed the mark. |
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Comment by: - 2007-10-01 07:38
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I liked the idea of your text, but disagree on some of the word usage. (What I'm writing now isn't meant to be a demand of any kind, just trying to come with helpful suggestions)
"The bastard grabbed a bottle
of lighter fluid,
dusted,
wild,
soberly"
In this half-stanza, I got a little confused because you used "dusted" and then "wild, soberly". I felt the "ed"-ending kind of put me off track, and something like "dusty" would put a better flow to your words.
You call the man in the story "the bastard" and "that bastard". I think "the bastard" sounds nicer; it makes it seem more like a title than using more slang language like, "ooh that bastard".
You wrote the word "Auntie", which was the only "label name" throughout the text. I felt it ruined the atmosphere of mystique, and we would be in more suspense if it was merely "she" that died. Auntie gives away some information that the reader doesn't need to know.
The word "piss" was used a little bit excessively. I'm not against swearing, but maybe in the line "scared the piss out of me", it could be something like: "scared the shit out of me," or "scared the Hell out of me" for word variation. |
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