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A Colorful Fragrant World
when I was young
my mother described the sun
and the beautiful sky
the way the birds would fly
because I wasn't born able to see
my mother said some things aren't meant to be
but most things usually are
you shouldn't let worries take you too far
there are so many other ways
to admire this wonderful place
you'll find your way
you'll learn to see someday.
it seems so long ago
as I walk through the city streets
that I saw only darkness in front of me
as now I see, colors and motions, in so many differing sheets
Do you know every color has it's own special scent?
how the green of bailey's pub is so much different
from the fresh glossy green of the local bank
and as the sun shifted color over the lake as it sank
every day brings a different fragrant more divine to me
and as all the different people pass by slowing down in such pity
I look back to them from my strawberry flavored shades
reflecting the same emotion back, that though a picture fades,
I will always know the sweetest fragrances, and most wonderful sound,
the way the leaves each have a flavor as they bark across the ground
a child skips across the white chalk splayed lovingly over the street
the scent of hundreds swaying to a live concert's beat
if only you could see how beautiful your city becomes
you might not dare call any part of it the slums
did you know there is a specific scent
in the streets just before the rain's decent
tapping an umbrella across the pavement on a clear day
people curiously look back and ponder as I'd go along my way
and when the heavy pull of moisture catches my skin and nose
I won't pull my umbrella up just yet, because everyone knows
sometimes the best things in life are often overlooked,
and too often a blessing in disguise becomes miss-took
undesired at first glance it requires acquired taste
and I'm glad I know better than to let the sweeter things go to waste.
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| I thought it worked well as a free form poem. The only thing that stopped the flow for me was the fact that each section began with a small case letter except for one. It made me wonder why that one piece merited capitalization. ?? |
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| actually it's my style to mix about, if you're talking of the lengthy-ness of the work, and differing between short and long phrases, along with rhyme scheme... though i'll consider it when I wake up more, perhaps it would be more helpful to point out some parts that hold good examples of what you might mean is sloppy... unless what you mean to say is that there is little end to the story as far as a point being conveyed?. |
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Comment by: - 2007-09-01 20:53
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This piece has a lot of nice things in it. It needs to be pulled together and put into some kind of shape. Do you want this to be a poem or story?
The story is good for either form, but there needs to be discipline as to stanza or paragraph. Dialogue is essential. And be careful about your characters, because this piece could will develope into a long story or even a novel-length piece. This needs a lot of thought, by you. It has potential. Keep at it. |
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