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Bound
If what I am is part of you,
I would wish never to be
free of these chains.
If what I am is owned by you
I would cry forever
to beg you not to go.
I'd carve the letters of your name
Into the curves of my body
And as I bled
You could drink up the blood.
Baby,
If my life
Is intertwined with yours
If my soul
Connects me to you
If my body
Is yours to use
If I am not whole
Without your touch,
Then leave me lying here,
Forever bound to you,
And I will never ask
For anything more.
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| It's really powerful and emotional, i absolutely love it. |
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Simply-stated and charged with passion and emotion. I do feel that the narrator's relationship with this other person borders on a painful, almost sickening obsession. The first two stanzas really caught my attention, but it was the third stanza that made me really like this poem. And the title suits the piece well.
No real suggestions - I think the other readers have done their job well with helping you out. So good work! :) |
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| Thanks for the advice, I felt there was something wrong there myself. I like your version, I might use it if that's okay. |
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Comment by: Beck - 2007-09-03 08:57
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Great poem, one thing that tripped me up a bit was the formation of the first and second sections. I felt as though they could maybe flow a little easier with a bit of reworking. Perhaps something along these lines...
If what I am is part of you,
I would wish never to be
free of these chains.
If what I am is owned by you
I would cry forever
to beg you not to go.
Although that's just my opinion and counts for very little. The rest of the piece I couldn't find fault with, really excellently written. |
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Comment by: - 2007-09-03 08:41
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Yeah, that it is intense but also quite charged and erotic. You really get that dizzying feeling of obsession to the point of sickening jealousy.
What is not clear, is who exactly is the obsessed one in the relationship described here.
There is a deft and perfectly judged ambiguity in this and it adds to the darkness experienced in reading it.
Terrific write. |
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