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Life of Balance
Beauty shines upon the path like liquid gold
From a falling sunbeam
Dancing and cavorting, a fairy's iridescent wings
Flutter gaily in a rainbow shower
Butterfly soft and whispy motes of dust and pollen
Swoop and swoon upon the air
In a kaleidoscope of fusion and energy
A waltz of stately grace
Darkness, twisting and decaying, sways
Beside the path in shadow
Growling stalks the dimness with
Hungry eyes aglow
Predators' hearts carrying grim desire
Of death and degradation
Seeking, nurturing, feeding upon the
Depression of light
Life is the intertwining arms of Light
And Darkness swarming
Swirling in perfect balance one opposing
Force against Force
Death dances freely among the fall leaves
Of Life's summer foliage
Always embracing, touching, caressing
Give and take, the balance remains
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I like this, Billie. Comments interspersed...
Beauty shines upon the path like liquid gold
From a falling sunbeam >>>These opening lines are a trifle too busy for my taste--too much going on and it gets confusing. Is it 'Beauty' doing all the shining, dancing and cavorting? Liquid gold is by definition HOT, and I'm not sure you are attributing much HEAT to the falling sunbeam. Just being nitpicky a little.<<<
Dancing and cavorting, a fairy's iridescent wings
Flutter gaily in a rainbow shower
Butterfly soft and whispy motes of dust and pollen
Swoop and swoon upon the air
In a kaleidoscope of fusion and energy >>>Again, you have a great many overlapping images. The fusion and energy make me think of a nuclear reactor or a power plant rather than a soft, wispy fairy. Are the wings themselves doing the waltz? Again, the overlapping makes that unclear to me.<<<
A waltz of stately grace
Darkness, twisting and decaying, sways
Beside the path in shadow >>>Why not a period here?<<<
Growling stalks the dimness with >>>Growling, IT stalks the dimness?<<<
Hungry eyes aglow >>>END of a thought, or continuation? Punctuation required.<<<
Predators' hearts carrying grim desire
Of death and degradation >>>This seems overly melodramatic--I'd cut this line.<<<
Seeking, nurturing, feeding upon the >>>I'm conflicted by the term 'nurturing' which is usually a positive term, used here of a destructive force.<<<
Depression of light
Life is the intertwining arms of Light
And Darkness swarming
Swirling in perfect balance one opposing
Force against Force
Death dances freely among the fall leaves
Of Life's summer foliage >>>your tension between summer and fall could be played up more throughout the entire poem as an organizational idea.<<<
Always embracing, touching, caressing
Give and take, the balance remains
This poem is good as is, but could be better IMO, by paring down some of the wordiness and adding some punctuation, especially if your intend to keep the caps at the start of lines. Beginning and ending of thoughts becomes very blurred and distracting, otherwise. Good beginning, though. Enjoyed it.
Blessings.
MarkA |
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Thank you for reading this and commenting. This one percolated a long time before I was able to put it to paper.
I saw the misspelling as I opened file to read your comment. The eyes just aren't as sharp as they could be sometimes! |
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How nicely put. And wise, too. I've noticed that the Light tries to raise us to our highest virtues and gifts, while the Darkness tries to make us feel like worthless losers. True, it is the "depression of light" that Death seeks.
Are there two Deaths? One is ugly and demeaning, and the other natural and timely?
I have noticed also that Life, when fed with the Water of Life, is powerful and without fear ... hence those terrible and fanged "good guys" in the Buddhist and Hindu paintings. We had a writer here in Montana, Dorothy Johnson, who was named "Kills in Both Places" by our Salish Native Americans.
One tiny little criticism: You have misspelled Balance in your title.
This poem, as you can see, is quite provocative. :) |
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