The place for writers: Upload your writing in minutes, receive peer feedback from other writers, poets, authors, then get your work published out there in the real world. Learn how other writers are doing it. |
|
 |
 |
 |
| |
Fulton, NY
On the outskirts of a river town,
I thought the world all over smelled
of chocolate, malt, and cow.
The men I knew worked hot,
talked little,
and walked with spare economy.
Their clothing rarely varied:
twill pants and cotton shirts,
white, at close of day,
with remnants of a pungent, honest sweat.
Smoke of dirty hand-rolleds wisping,
in eerie echo of their lanky bodies
and fluid motions.
The dairymen, in dirty boots
dragged odors from the farm
into the streets
as they brought their hard-won contributions
to the Nestle magic.
Some made embarrassed moves to shake
the fragrant barn-mud loose
before they counted out their grubby change to buy
the output of the brewery
they took home
to drink at shabby kitchen tables
too tired
to really enjoy.
Younger men from the Miller plant
laughed at them with jokes half-whispered,
though older ones no longer bothered:
a nod in recognition of the fact
that they, too, knew
what tired really felt like.
They stood
in awkward silence
and shuffled forward
keeping place in line
at close of one more shift.
I tried,
but couldn't see the signs
among their wrinkled faces
that they could tell:
these were the good times.
The Miller plant closed first
and left a hulking, empty building
and scattered bushes here and there
to hide the wells
that tracked the spread
of toxins' flow
toward the city's water.
Old men, at last,
received permission to take rest
they couldn't admit they'd longed for.
They kissed their wives
and found comfortable chairs,
and quietly drew their last breaths
of chocolate air.
The young rattled discordantly,
impotently about;
Union pay,
and two cases a week,
are hard to lose.
But beating each other senseless
in the streets, outside of bars
won't dissipate the rage.
Nestle died more slowly,
failing organ of an older time.
False hope each time they made the cut,
kept several hanging in beyond all chance
of moving on;
The first to go, had chance,
at least,
for lesser jobs
in modern plants
caring for machines that did the work of fifty
in their prime.
The final whistle blew
and hung on empty air
and passed,
and left behind an acrid tang
of hopeless men,
and unwashed kids,
and spoiled milk.
The banks don't need, or want,
a herd of cows
or pasteurizers
with no market for their product;
They let the old barns sag
from want
and emptiness within
just like the men
who used to keep them.
When I grew old enough
to begin to learn a man's work
my father took me 'round to them -
these men -
they looked me in the eye
and weighed me
took my hand in theirs -
so large, and rough, and capable -
with no apology made for the dirt beneath their nails.
It hurts me now to see them
look down at their feet
when they walk by
and trail their shame
(there is a smell much worse than cow)
with hands kept in their pockets
for want of work.
They know I'll leave - I must -
and they will stay
for if the place they brought to life
has no more use for them
what other place would have them?
But in the faded fabric of my clothes
I bring with me
the whisper of a memory of men
that will not wash away.
Want to comment on this Poetry?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Poetry and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
|
 |
|
[Back to top]
|
|
|
|
What diction, the spare economy of their walk, they looked me in the eye and weighed me, these are wonderful phrases. Fresh and rare. And you take your time, un-rolling this scroll slowly. Although we know the end of the story, it's as inevitable as the end of the town you describe. I live in a very rural are with trully small towns. Most under a thousand in population. Even here, all business has died. These villages are great places to be from.
If we didn't own our own small business, we'd have to move too. |
 |
Comment by: Sophia - 2007-09-10 09:02
|
|
| This is very strong writing, such a sad story, and one which happens too often. I like the way this flows so well, and the images are built up so clearly. There's a lot of emotion, and the comparison between past and present, youth and age, is good. |
 |
Comment by: esknapp - 2007-09-10 07:19
|
|
Thanks for the comments, guys.
Kenneth - you picked out the two words I had doubts about myself, so I immediately took your advice. You should have seen me earlier in the process excising "vestigial". "Its the right word. It is exactly what I mean!"
Thanks again,
Eric |
|
|
Whoo. This is a heck of good read Eric. As we discussed earlier, there is a lot I like about it. The graceful use of common diction to create strong and often complex images might be the heart of what makes this good to me. If I had to think of criticisms, they would be to suggest ways to drop elements that run counter to this mode. Maybe dropping words like "token" or "redemption" that might not be in as common use by your average worker. There might be a few images that could be tightened up. For instance, turning this simile around like so: Men sagged like thier old barns from want and emptiness -- drops a few words, which might increase impact.
But to reiterate, I enjoyed this style of your writing a lot. It has a personal and immediate feel. |
 |
Comment by: - 2007-09-05 05:04
|
|
A really nostalgic piece Eric... I loved the undertones that affect your characters lives.
There is a sad feeling of hopelessness in the piece, very well summed up by the last few linesā?¦
Well done mateā?¦. :) |
| 1 2 Next |
|
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
| | Advertising - Terms & Conditions - Short Story Submissions - Contact - Writing Competitions - Writing Links - Book Promotion - Sky-Tribe.com - alanemmins.com |
|
 |
 |
 |
| |
Member short stories, poems, comments and other contributions are owned by the poster. Copyright 2003 - 2007 Edit Red I/S | | |