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Lies - Grae's 100 Syllable Challenge
You.
In vain
I loved you.
Knowing you lie
habitually.
The truth will never come.
Not from someone who believes
the words he speaks are honestly
being told to someone so naïve.
I believed the lies, but not anymore.
I want honesty from my "true" friends.
Take your lies please and go away.
God reveals all things, it's true.
He revealed your lying
and now, we are through.
No more lying.
No more tears.
No more,
you.
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| Thanks for all the comments. I think (today at least) I'm leaning toward the original version as well. The revised version was written on a day I was very pissed with the person it's directed toward. Sometimes, things shouldn't be written in anger. But only, sometimes. :-) |
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Comment by: Afrka - 2007-12-13 03:33
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| I believe I like the first version. Stick with your initial feeling for writing. Thanks for sharing. Happy Holidays~ |
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Hi, Verdi, glad to be of help.
You have changed the second half of this quite dramatically. You have lost the religious aspect and put in its place a quite hard and determined ending. Before, the words asked and suggested, now they tell and demand. The change is actually quite large in your two efforts. Perhaps a change in you or your outlook has required this change or perhaps you felt that a more angry and determined MC was needed.
I personally prefer the first version, but the second version does have its merits.
'the one to always get...'
may be better as:
'the one who always gets...'
But apart from that it still works well in either version.
Hope this helps you. Nice to see you working on previous ideas from a varied perspective.
Take care, Verdi - Grae. |
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Comment by: GLWard - 2007-09-12 10:07
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| Very nicely done. |
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Very nice, VE, It is definitely a way to focus an idea or a theme in such a way as to build, peak and then bring that idea / theme to a conclusion.
You have done that perfectly, capturing the anger and the passion and yet, calm decisiveness of the words makes it strong and final.
You might want to put in a little punctuation to make it a little tighter. 'You, in vain I loved you.' perhaps 'I believed the lies, but not anymore.'
Just a thought on an otherwise great write.
Cheesr for taking the challenge, VA - Grae. |
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