writing community
Sign In Here | Lost Password | FREE Sign Up
E-mail: Password:
Remember login  
The place for writers:
Upload your writing in minutes, receive peer feedback from other writers, poets, authors, then get your work published out there in the real world.       Learn how other writers are doing it.

 
darkpoet1987
Bryant Harland
Online
United States, MI, Davison

Words: 897
Access: Public
Comments: 2

Forward to a friend
Print Version
E-mail this writer E-mail this user 
View Author profile
Add to Readers  




A Walk With Rayne

A man of fervor loomed over the oaken desk, which bore the weight of a dark countenance, along with several scraps of parchment detailing orders that could have come from Hell itself. His eyes bore intently into light brown center, attempting to drill fiery holes into the scroll. He sat before a mess of diagrams, complex magical theory, and a plethora of questions. A sigh lingered on his lips, passing through them in quelled animosity. He had been at it for days, and still no progress on an exact method. Still, hope existed out there.. Yes. They would be his insight, his link to the brilliance of the world... no, not just the world, but something far greater, the entire multi-verse. Of course, he was a fair businessman, and would reward them, as not all business could be made through manipulation and trickery, especially not with the kind of people his contact would send to him. His contact knew a great many people and it would be a wonder just to see the type of freshly cunning individuals he could conjure, even on such an urgent matter. Suddenly, as though in response to his thoughts, a dark-skinned human with a quick accent entered the study. "Sir, they have arrived." He knew immediately that these were the ones he was looking for.

He rose, taking a few quick steps to the armoire on the other side of the room. Reaching in, he pulled a dark black pair of robes from the equally lavish wooden depths. He fit the robes around his slender frame, the golden runes that seemed to scrawl an entire legend up and down the lining, and around the sleeves. He felt the warmth pulsate through him, like a constant stream of absolute power running through his entire body. The man smiled for a moment, as though to bask in epiphany for a moment. What he had to share was splendid indeed..and even more so, the chance at finally acquiring it. He grasped a staff which appeared to be the most ordinary element of his attire. It bore a dull black jewel at the top, while the rest was fashioned of simple wood. Still, the glimmering golden rings at his fingers, and shimmering midnight in his robes, perhaps even the star-kissed circlet that lied beneath his deep brown hair would hint to a much higher value of that which he wielded.

It did not take him very long to traverse the twisted passages of stone. At the tap of the correct brick, a wall slid inward, revealing the secret network that only a select few could traverse. He ended up right outside of a door. where a surge of information flooded his mind. Names, faces, families, lineages, tragedies all came at him at once. He let out a sigh as his mind quickly sorted out the pertinent information. He saw their faces before he entered, and knew their names before they spoke them. The group was an incredibly odd assortment of figures. One pale looking figure who held the group in an array of brilliance. Another bore the thick fur, sharp teeth, and overall facial countenance of a cat, but the slender bipedal form composed into a humanoid. The next was possibly even stranger, a relatively plain body, despite the small stature, the figure bore no hands, but an antenna looking appendage with a strange ball connect sprouted from its head. The next was distinctly feminine. An all-too-perfect body composed of the delicate features a common human female would, yet with the exacting build of the best warrior, and the voluptuous curves one would expect on a barmaid. Her skin bore such flawlessness that it was nearly difficult to look at, though the large black feathered wings served as an interesting distraction, if her fierce red eyes couldn't. Finally, his eyes rested on the last. His eyes pierced onto something extremely odd about this fellow. He knew they would be there, but he had never seen one so close before. In the last member's skull, four holes were carefully hidden beneath his hair. The lines of which could only be seen by the dampness of a green sort of goo, so incredibly faint beneath the locks of tangled brown hair that they were hardly noticeable. They each introduced themselves in order of his thoughts, each respectful and cordial as though waiting before high courts of nobility. With a greater precision to account for the greater danger, he marked their names, "Anael, Kira, Shareal, and Vinas"

The figure waited until the last of them passed their greetings, before he drew his hood. He saw that the devil woman had pierced his magical disguise, seeing the many scars that adorned his body and face. Scorch marks burned down the side of his cheeks, with jagged cuts as though hundreds of pieces of glass had whirlwinded around his jawline. This was the sight of his true face, though the rest would have seen the politely trimmed goatee, and thin, smooth face, with perfectly slicked back brown hair that he put on as his public persona. He took an equal bow of politeness, before his deep voiced filled the room with the menacing sound of curiosity,
"A pleasure to meet you all, and welcome to my city. I am Joseph Rayne."

Want to comment on this Short Stories?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Short Stories and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
Sign up






[Back to top]
Comments  
Opaque0ne Comment by: Opaque0ne - 2007-09-10 23:42
Add to Readers
      
Bryant, I'd seen your name on a couple of my readers' pages so I decided to look at your work. This piece really establishes a character--more so than any short I've read in a long time. Fiction truly is about people. It isn't until you start to describe the figures that Rayne has some interaction. Good description, vivid detailing. However, I think the reviewer above made a good point: pare things down a little and let the heart of your piece shine. Sometimes less is more.
d alan kemp Comment by: d alan kemp - 2007-09-07 09:43
Add to Readers
      
Hello there, Bryant.

An interesting piece, this. A high fantasy meet-and-greet, if you will. You've obviously taken great pains to describe the character and the situation; as a reader, i can only thank you for your diligence.

Having said that, i did find a few thing that need your attention:

First off, you need to break this down into 'proper' paragraphs; the large block of text is not only daunting, it's hard on the eyes and makes it difficult to read...

Also --- not to be overly critical --- but you've got a tendency to 'over-write'; i.e. you're putting too much effort into bombarding the reader with verbiage, when what you ought to be doing is getting your point across in the most concise and coherent way possible...

- The man smiled for a moment, as though to bask in epiphany for a moment. - i'd say get rid of the last 'moment'; it's an annoying redundancy, and you can compact the rest of the sentence without loosing any content...

- ...the star-kissed circlet that lied beneath his deep brown hair... - 'that lay beneath his hair...'

- ...but the slender bipedal form composed into a humanoid. - this is an example of 'over-writing'; you could just as easily say '...but the slender form of a human.' You're saying the same thing but the massive amount of details don't get in the way of a linear, coherent thought...

- ...before his deep voiced filled the room... - voice...

Hey... that's what i got. i think you could have an interesting idea here, but for me the story gets lost in the overwhelming amount of words you're using. If you pared this down a bit --- brought out the storyline without bogging it down --- i think you'd have a winner.

dave.
1

Sponsored Ads


By darkpoet1987

Featured Writers

Advertising - Terms & Conditions - Short Story Submissions - Contact - Writing Competitions - Writing Links - Book Promotion - Sky-Tribe.com - alanemmins.com
  Member short stories, poems, comments and other contributions are owned by the poster.
Copyright 2003 - 2007 Edit Red I/S