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Music Man
Once you held the hand of music and led it through slippery playground sand; now you are too weak to remember.
I find myself easing you into the shower.
'Where's that music coming from?'
'Nowhere, Dad.' I lower my head beneath the water to disguise my tears, but realize it's running cold.
You beat me: 'I'm so sorry.'
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Comment by: Peachie - 2008-12-01 05:15
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I like the under tones of not allowing the person you are crying for see it, as you don't want to add to thier distress
nice piece of writing
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Comment by: L J - 2007-09-15 23:46
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| The first line and the last line - the hand and beat - seriously good writing here. |
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Thanks for all the comments, guys. I've tried to work them into my story to make it clearer.....60 words is such a burden!! :-)
And Karjon, you're right on all fronts about the plot. The father is inspired by a friend of mine's who was once a well-known conducter but now suffers from severe arthritis.
Thanks,
Britt |
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I'm not sue I get this but that might be the length.
If it was me, I'd look at the first sentence again. It's like one of those sentences that 'sound' poetic but don't really pull their weight. Maybe that's a personal taste thing, but if it was me I'd make it a little more concrete.
I'd also take out the exclamation mark at the end of ??Where??s that music coming from?!? It's not needed, and it's not something you see outside of seventies comics speech bubbles.
Hope this helps.
Cheers,
Mark |
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2007-09-12 04:12
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Hmmm... not sure if I've got this one, Britt. Someone looking after their elderly father who has dementia and some sort of physical disability? The father has a moment of lucidity, apologises for being a burden?
Not sure if I'm anywhere near the mark there. Anyway, loved that first line.
Thanks for taking the challenge.
Cheers
Karen |
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