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Comment by: DavidHe Online- 2008-01-23 06:38
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| You did so good a job that you are supposed to make no change of it! Well done! The first and last stanzas are my favourites. Great! Of course the whole poem is very good. |
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Comment by: DavidHe Online- 2007-12-31 18:11
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| Hi, good read! Seems the one you love is what you can understand more as time goes by. That is true beauty! |
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This isn't bad, Dennis, but could be better. Using a blazon (demonstrated with the imagery in the first stanza) is rather outdated (here's a definition:'a poetic catalogue of a woman's admirable physical features' to quote the OED) It was used in the Renaissance and is a little outdated, imo. 'Your laughter rang
/Like silverware on fine china' is a good image in the second stanza and there should be more of this in the piece. 'You are a rare gem' is cliched (and makes me cringe whenever I read it in a poem) The last stanza needs more of an oomph to end the poem on a high. |
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Comment by: Stephie Online- 2007-11-13 13:03
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| This is such a dedicated poem. My only nit (ahem) suggestion would be to put it in th epresent tense to make it that much stronger ;) |
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Comment by: DJHall - 2007-11-02 17:45
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| I so very much enjoyed reading this. Truly, I became misty at the end. It reminds me that it is often the ones that we are closest to that we sometimes take for granted... and for too long. Then suddenly one experiences that 'AHAH!' moment when that loved one takes your breath away. Very well expressed in your writing. |
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