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Lonely
The mental world is to deep
so , I've learnt to study
the physical one
that's least vast
for me now,
not then
my feelings of nationalism are
scattered away autometically
so, I hated that which I loved then
selfishness, greedyness and proudness
are now lovable for me
yes it's true, true in fact
'I love country' not now
but
'I hated it' not then
Lonelyness but not alone
misery but with luxury
how can I express my spirants
are now common to my heart
I myself soul and heart
are loving the horizons of
two directions,
but then
'I' itself collides with me '.
how can it be true ?
I'm relating to live with my aim
how can I do it ?
organs upto brain are now
disjoint ,rather than
'I was to die '
lonely but not alone
the only unseparated things
are my aims as reliable friends .
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This is a very creative poem. I love the metaphors and play on words you used throughout the piece. There are a few grammar errors (not all of which I will point out, unless you wish me to. I am sure a quick read over this again and you will find 75% of these grammar usage problems.
You use a different rhyme pattern than I, myself, use or have seen by most poetic writers. However, I do not find this a bad thing. I think the way you write your lines does a good job of emphasizing certain thoughts or feelings which you feel are more important to get through to the reader. It is important, nonetheless, to carefully place commas in proper spots or add a new line where you want the reader to pause. Typically the reader will pause longest for a space between lines, for a short while at the end of a line that has a comma, shorter for those lines without a comma, and shortest for a comma in the middle of the line. Keep this in mind when writing.
I have to really compliment you on the beginning three lines. These lines set the stage for how you, as the writer, are feeling. They are also feelings that I'm sure nearly anyone can relate to. I, too, find that the mental world is nearly too troublesome to bear at times and this is when the feeling of pain or just knowing you can feel is something you look forward to. Correct me if this is not the idea that you were trying to get across. If so, I do not think that that is your mistake, I am merely interpreting this differently than another might.
"' I hated it ' not then
lonelyness but not alone
misery but with luxury"
Those lines must be my favorite lines in the piece. I love the irony in loneliness but not being alone and misery with luxury. Brilliant.
I love the metaphor of I and myself being heart and soul, two separate ends of the horizon. This is certainly a creative metaphor. However, this line confuses the metaphor: "'I' itself collides with me '." Since you began with I and myself, either keep those two or switch myself to me in the beginning.
"lonely but not alone
the only unseparated things
are my aims as reliable friends ."
A little advice for this bit. First, you already used the words lonely but not alone-which was very effective earlier, but if you would like to keep it just as effective I believe you should, if nothing else, reword the first line of the above quoted section.
Also, the next two lines are the ending. They need to be powerful, and although they have some power, they lack reason behind the power. Where did the friends come in? I think you could add a few more lines to explain why you feel all you have left is your friendships.
I think overall this is a great poem. You can easily relate to a lot of people who feel like they, too, are alone. Nonetheless, your words will prove to them that they are not alone but going through the same troubles as at least one other individual. Very well done. |
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'I' itself collides with me '.
how can it be true ?
I'm relating to live with my aim
how can I do it ? |
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|
'I' itself collides with me '.
how can it be true ?
I'm relating to live with my aim
how can I do it ? |
|
|
'I' itself collides with me '.
how can it be true ?
I'm relating to live with my aim
how can I do it ? |
|
|
'I' itself collides with me '.
how can it be true ?
I'm relating to live with my aim
how can I do it ? |
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