Would you go on a blind date?

Dating will probably always be the same, as long as men and scotch are around anyway. Blind dates are always torture because by the end of the night you are likely to end up kissing a hairy ape infected with Syphilis, sex is okay though, just use a condom and you will be fine.

I've been one several blind dates, the best (!) one involved a karaoke bar and the crack-whore singing 'Opps.. I did it again' by Britney Speares, the audience let her know their contempt by booing her off the stage while I pretended not to be with her. Embarrassing. I got her back though, after the night had finished I decided to have a piss in a gutter directly in front of her while ordering her to look out for cops.

As for the worst? Story time!

I was just fourteen, a real dating novice with little experience of these foul creatures and their manipulative tactics. A girl who I had become friendly of asked me for 'a favour' as the school disco was approaching rapidly, when she laid out my mission, I reacted like my wrinkly great-great-grandfather asking where you place the postage on an email. Even at that tender age I was reluctant, I mean back then we didn't even possess text and photo messaging mobile phones let alone the hi-tech ones around presently that can wipe your arse and do algebra. Of course, those days are long gone and I've learn some tricks of the trade when it come to dating disasters, simply inform her that your previous two girl friends have both placed a restraining order on you, it works a treat! Also you can tell her that you are a firm believer in suffrage and equality so logically the bill should be shared.

"OK. So who is she", I asked inquisitively.
"She is called June", was her response.
"Who?"
"Ohh.. she's a year older than you, you will like her."
"Are you sure this is wise?"
"Look, this is a favour, she's upset and she needs someone to go with."
"But why me?"
"'¦.Because you are nice and you are sympathetic towards animals."
"Eh? I don't understand."
"Ohhh, her dog died, will you go with her or not."
"How come."
"Oh..erm'¦ it got crushed or'¦ wait, I don't know. Will you go, please?"
"OK then. I promise I'll be there."

I marched into the disco at 6pm and spotted my f(r)iend in the company of what I recognised as an Orc out of 'Lord of the Rings'.

"I'm here, where is this June?"
"She is stood right here!"

I could see why she loved animals; 'June' was a gargantuan beast whose busty midriff was even more disgusting than her snotty face. She was literally twice the size of me and four times as wide. Her name is June? I should call myself April as I was the fool.

This living monstrosity acted before I even had chance to recoil at the gruesome sight, she held out her rotting arms and reeled me in towards her sweaty tits.

"Hello lovely", her many chins wobbled with enthusiasm as she was crushing me.
" I link'¦. a nedd'¦.deed a link'¦bar"
"What dear?", she asked.
"I'¦nedd a crink'¦."
"Ahh don't mind my friend, he's just extremely shy."
"Ohhh! I love this song lets dance!"

She dragged me along the dance floor, my feet were barely touching the floor.

"You are a great dancer."
"mmmmmmmflll."
"Do you have a girl friend, honey?"
MMMMMMMMMMFFFFFFFLLLLLLLLL???"
"I'm good with shy men; do you want to sleep with me?"
"MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMFFFFFFFFFFFFLL!!!"
"Your face is extremely red, are you alright? Let's get you into the peace and quiet!"

She force marched me into a dingy and quiet room and propelled me onto an ageing sofa. The shadowy giant then lurched over me. Then Jumped. Directly on me.

"Oh! Silly me!" She squeaked with irony while trying to remove my shirt.

The door thundered open and a midget raced in.

"JUNE!!! WHY? YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME!!"

Who the fuck is this my half starved brain managed to process.

"OH! I'm so so sorry Peter. I have no idea what came over me! He was trying to take advantage of me!". (MEEE???? YOUUUU????)

"It's not my fault you stupid cunt, this beast has been trying to rape me since I got here."

"HOW DARE YOU"

She angrily flailed her arms at me hitting me in the head. Just once. I was out like a light.

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