Last Night ' Wee Poem Challenge
Last night, in the supermarket forecourt,
There was a tang of sea-salt in the air,
As if our coastal dreams had left our thoughts,
And formed, sharp-scented, in the city square.
And in that moment, as you turned your head,
I knew your words before they left your tongue '
So that you smiled and buried them instead
Inside that silence that we've shared so long.
And then, as we drove home, an air balloon
Hung soft and still between two golden trees:
A perfect sphere of red, a sunset moon,
A gift for us that came in on the breeze.
And tonight, in our garden, when you sigh,
I'll take your hand beneath this star-splashed sky.
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Jane, thanks for your comment. Yes, I wasn't too sure about the silence bit myself (your second reading - the wordless connection - was what I was aiming for)... I wrote that stanza rather quickly, after another reader kindly pointed out I was one verse short! I'm quite attached to my tang of sea-salt, though!
One day, I might get round to reworking this poem - I hope I do. But I think I need to get more distance from it. |
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Comment by: jgilgun - 2008-02-23 09:16
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Hi. Good job. Overall, it's terrific. The imagery, the sense of closeness. The tang of sea salt sounds great but I'm not sure what it adds to the poem. Also, when the other person buried words in silence--I thought and expected silence to mean some kind of soft hostility, like a turtle withdrawing, but instead there was an intuitive wordless connection, I think, as I kept reading. I wonder if you can see my point or maybe I've missed something.
Bood luck. Your sharp use of words touches my tender places and evokes warm thoughts and memories.
Jane Gilgun |
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| Thunderpen: thank you for your lovely comment! This sonnet seems deeply flawed to me, so it's nice to have someone come to it with fresh eyes and be so positive. I'll still be reworking it somewhere down the line, though! |
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This: what a gem.
The rhyme, although in a tight form, reads very well.
The moment framed: all of the details telescoped down into the gem.
I like best how well you expressed the fore-knowing of language that comes with love ... my lover would look at me sometimes and answer the question I was only just forming. Ahhhh.... |
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Thank you, Marlinmark. The sunset moon is my favourite bit, too!
You're quite right - the second 'that' is clunky, but I'm new to the sonnet form and can't work out a way to get the rhythm without that 'that' (done it again, haven't I?). Thank you for taking the time to comment - I'm hoping to have a decent go at this one soon(-ish), so I'll certainly look at my thats. |
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