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Before Your Time - Wee #12
She groans, teeth grinding. Sweaty hands grip, slip, grab anew. There, almost there. The end is close. So very near. And yet already gone. She catches her breath, holding it tight, refusing to let it go. It goes anyway, escaping with a scream, a pant, a whimper. Words of encouragement and support slip out, ragged and torn over grief stricken tongues.
With a final heave, an anguished push, it ends. There is rejoicing, if only a sliver. There is wonder and awe, if only in flashes and glimmerings. They fight. They gnaw at in impenetrable wall only to be washed away by a flood of tears.
Passed between us, he lay quiet, still. So very near. And yet already gone.
I lean close, 'Silly goose, gone before your time. Now we'll have to wait so long..."
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| nice piece. thanks for sharing. |
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Comment by: Thula7 - 2007-09-17 18:03
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| I saw what Karen saw, was trying to see what the others saw... It was so sad though, I don't see the other ones. I'm sorry for the loss. |
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Comment by: Mycenia - 2007-09-17 09:02
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I haven't edited at all yet (not even to fix the "in" that should be "an"), Steve. It's probably a matter of seeing it in a different light.
Karen nailed the writer's interpretation. However, I much prefer the average reader's. If it only that were the case.
As for the last line, I understand the contrast. However, I printed it exactly as it was said, September 22, 2001. Spoken to Alexander Gabriel Derosia, my godson, who left... before his time :)
Thank you everyone for reading and giving your views. This is the magic of writing, flash fiction in particular. It shows the flexibility of words and the diversity of minds. |
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Comment by: Stevec - 2007-09-17 08:31
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It looks like this story was tweaked a little (yes?). I can see Karen's interpretation pretty clearly and I agree that this is very good.
The only thing is the last line reads almost comedic to me with the "silly goose" part, which contrasts too much in my mind with the sadness of the rest of the story. |
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2007-09-15 17:11
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Okay - I'm coming back to this. The story as I see it:
The absolutely tragic tale of a still birth. Those groans, and gasps, and gripping hands - those were labour pains, labour grasps. That pushing was the pushing of a wee dead baby out into a cold world.
'They fight. They gnaw at in impenetrable wall only to be washed away by a flood of tears.' The emotions of anguished not-to-be-parents.
'Passed between us, he lay quiet, still. So very near. And yet already gone.' That line made me cry.
And I think it's brilliant.
And I'm not trying to make any of the previous reviewers feel crappy - I can see where you came up with your interpretation - but, to me at least, this is one of the saddest stories anyone will ever experience.
Cheers
Karen |
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