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rosalindknows
rosalind harbin
United States, FL, ocklawaha

Words: 79
Access: Public
Comments: 2

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She, in Beauty, Rests

Though the night tarries, she shines as
diamond bright as she was at dusk.

I have before me a silvered
rendering, one of those snatched at
a fete, not long ago, such as
the Law Lords were wont to of a
season throw. Your head rests slightly
on his knighted shoulder, your lids
half-mast, sheer bliss playing lightly
round your lips; his smile broad, and as
forward and frank in countenance
as his character and outlook.

Copyright 2007 Rosalind Harbin

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rosalindknows Comment by: rosalindknows - 2007-09-15 07:48
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Ah, you have given me something to think about! And I think you may be right :) I will work on this one some more - the only rule to this piece is 8 syllables per line. Thanks for the comment AND the advice!
Penned Down Comment by: Penned Down - 2007-09-14 18:49
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Overall a nice poem. Here are a few things you might want to consider changing:

-You might want to rework the line "she shines as diamond bright..." It just doesn't flow well to me.

-"I have before me a silvered" maybe this instead "Before me, a silvered"

As always, thanks for a quality read Rosalind.
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By rosalindknows

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