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| I really enjoy the sensation of falling in your poem by the repeated lines. It's repeated clouds as we fall through them again and again. So many of us want to put words to that feeling and you have! If you indeed realize it's too late, is it really? |
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Comment by: - 2006-03-06 04:44
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| well done the more i read of your work the more i like |
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Comment by: - 2006-03-03 10:26
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| The first verse is very good. I really like the tempo of it and the parachute idea is very effective. As for suggestions, i probably dont know your style well enough but i think possibly the 'trying desperatley to forget the past' line could be improved upon and made to stand out more? Overall i thought it was pretty impressive and would work well as a song, so any changes you feel you have to make would only have to be minor. |
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| I was beginning to wonder if anyone would ever comment on this; its been posted for over a month. Thanks for your comment. To all: I am not very proud of this poem; it didn't turn out like I wanted. I am proud of the idea I had behind it but I lost it somewhere during writing. I would greatly appreciate any comments or suggestions for lines or verses. |
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Comment by: - 2006-03-03 01:25
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What would good poetry be with the story of desperation, some sort if failure. You do this well in this piece. The story of losing time to accomplish, to save anything from a good marriage to a lifetime friendship. I do like the way you did the hat-trick with the two separate lines near the end ... the exclamation point. Nice job.
Marc |
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