writing community
Sign In Here | Lost Password | FREE Sign Up
E-mail: Password:
Remember login  
The place for writers:
Upload your writing in minutes, receive peer feedback from other writers, poets, authors, then get your work published out there in the real world.       Learn how other writers are doing it.

 
MissPiggy
Kirsty Lane
New Zealand, Auckland

Words: 867
Access: Public
Comments: 4

Forward to a friend
Print Version
E-mail this writer E-mail this user 
View Author profile
Add to Readers  




The Girl Next Door

- 28 Stewart Road -

My name was Myra. I held onto it for as long as I could but I never believed in it. Now it belongs to other girls and I hope they wear it like gangsters wear theirs, on a chain around the neck ' diamond letters glinting in the light of their ego.

Nice, normal, average, pretty, you could use any word like that to describe me. I wanted to become edgy or compelling, but mainly I just remained on edge.
I tried. I tried so hard, but trying is trying and leaves little room to enjoy being.

I lived next to Sam. I only know his name because some mail for 26 Stewart Road (I lived at 28), was put into my letterbox for Sam Prichard. The surname seemed wrong though, too upright and sharp, like the white wooden stake of a picket fence and he was anything but white picket.

The letter was from Work and Income. I didn't see him leave the house much so I just assumed that he didn't work. One of the few times I saw him outside on the street, it was early morning 2 or 3am, and I was totally pissed and ugly, with my smeary make-up face, and bloodshot eyes from having just puked in a flowerbed. I wanted him so badly but he didn't look at me as he flew past on his bike, his whole being streaming like a silent scream.

My friends thought he was a loser, but they didn't have time for piercings, tattoos and saw no beauty in the youthful belligerent glare that drove me crazy.

I guess he helped to take my mind off reality in a way. And in my reality I had a big fucking problem, and on this day I had decided it was time to take care of it.


- 26 Stewart Road -

Sam is having a bad day. He is oblivious to the girl from next door, knocking, and squashing her face against the stained glass of the door.

He is busy.

The blade tears apart the membranes of his skin, corpuscles of blood are slit open, that which was trapped escapes to form a broken red line of wetness across his pasty arm.
The pain and the blood and the aching dampen the feverish heat of frustration and loathing which people, himself included, inspire within him.

His old flatmate walked in on him once, and moved out soon after. Sam was glad he was gone. He was always getting wasted and he'd had to listen to that guy getting off with dumb-ass girls or watching porn, through the thin walls. It wasn't the sex itself but the pathetic pride he possessed in aggressively parading his lifestyle to the world, seeking retaliation so that he could say that he hated people, when really he was nothing without their attention. He clung to an arrogance that this lifestyle was somehow less messed up than Sam's.

Every person has their darkness.

Later, around 3am, Sam heads out on his bike. No one is about, and the air rustles with the energy of the wind as it messes with the dry leaves and beats coldly against him.

On the way home he notices the car that he seen around a lot recently, parked across on the road adjacent. He thinks the girl is being stalked, but that's her business. He has his own shit to deal with.


- 28 Stewart Road -

Writhing and screaming under the heavy bulk of the man straddling me, I had fought with everything to defend myself. When I jerked too hard, he mocked me by spraying flecks of spittle across my swollen face.
His body moved savagely, one hand tugging at my hair and head to force my body taut and inert, while his knees pinned my hands to the mattress. My body jolted repulsively as he repeatedly stabbed me with the knife in his other hand. Every flash of the blood smeared blade struck me like lightening.

I said my farewells in the primal language of the dying, as my body exploded, a supernova, a last heightened sense of life before my being fell into itself, into darkness.


- 26 Stewart Road -

Light streams through a gap in the ripped, fly-specked netting. Sam watches from the couch, glad to see the last cop car pulling out of the drive and heading away.

The girl next door seemed ok, he didn't really know her. People made their choices in life, she'd obviously made some fuck ups along the way. It sounds cold, but why bother to act out false emotions or pity, he couldn't. Tragedies were like mirrors that strangers looked into and grieved in advance for their own deaths.

But he had to admit that he was affected. He was alive, and she was dead. It was that simple, and it was time to sort his shit out.

As Sam rode his bike down the front doorstep, he had an absurd image of himself riding across the face of the moon, like ET and felt the lead weight of gravity fall away from his life.

Want to comment on this Short Stories?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Short Stories and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
Sign up






[Back to top]
Comments  
SunShinee7 Comment by: SunShinee7 - 2008-04-12 12:10
Add to Readers
      
Oh my goodness, this story is great. It's so interesting, and it kept my attention. This says a lot. =]
Comment by: - 2007-09-29 14:41
Add to Readers
      
i loved this! very uniquely written and captivating.
nadinesellers Comment by: nadinesellers - 2007-09-19 11:22
Add to Readers
      
Whoa! 28 Stewart road, 26, 28...brilliant compositions. the minor edits to be made did not kill the pace.
honest craft here. anymore of this could be a modern classic.
Rosie Sandler Comment by: Rosie Sandler - 2007-09-16 14:00
Add to Readers
      
Kirsty, I don't know where to start with this. I don't mean that in a bad way!

The whole of Myra's narrative is fantastic - beautifully written, full of perfect phrases and turns of phrase. I was sucked in straight away. Loved the part about the name.

And then Sam: that description of self-harm, 'that which was trapped escapes', seems wonderful to me.

But do we need so many viewpoints? Myra's murder, with that 3rd-person narrator â?? I was wondering if that could be narrated by Myra, too? She is speaking to us from the grave, after all, so why not have her describe this scene? She could be slightly detached, as if she's had to shut down emotionally to deal with it.

Of course, that then causes the problem of switching viewpoints again as Sam comes in. Although, Myra, being dead by the end of the scene, could have a kind of otherworldly omniscience, and narrate Sam's feelings, too.

I'm not convinced the Exploding Sun section adds anything â?? I'd be tempted to lose it.

Basically, the piece reads like several separate pieces, and I can't decide if that's a good or a bad thing. Someone I know just won a short-story competition by taking 3 unrelated flash fiction pieces she'd written, and entering them as one story... The judge, who even got that it was 3 unrelated flashes, still loved it.

A few minor edits:
Comma needed para 4, before '2 or 3am'.
My friends thought he was (a) loser.
Need extra 'f': 'I guess he helped to take my mind of(f) reality'
'On the way home, he notices the car that he (has) seen'

I found the sentence, 'He is the animal of man, he cares of nothing but what he has started', a bit difficult. How about something like, 'He has become base animal; he has one aim: to finish what he has started.'

Delete 'n' in 'to force her body tau(n)t'
Delete second 'beat' in 'sickening heartbeat beat'?
Change 'effected' to 'affected' in sentence starting, 'But he had to admit...'.
1

Sponsored Ads


By MissPiggy

Featured Writers

Advertising - Terms & Conditions - Short Story Submissions - Contact - Writing Competitions - Writing Links - Book Promotion - Sky-Tribe.com - alanemmins.com
  Member short stories, poems, comments and other contributions are owned by the poster.
Copyright 2003 - 2007 Edit Red I/S