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Puppet
Puppet
Close your eyes to your depression
Just give in to the submission
Take the hard way to learn the lesson
One puff, two puffs, three to rhyme
Hoping; praying to end it this time
Cry to speak; but heard; the mime
Fate comes quickly, from behind
Truth and my views come aligned
Grip my pen to end; I signed
Truth has shown the brightest light
That shines to blind; to take my sight
And here I stand, forced despite
I'm scared to walk under the sun
For fear of being seen; I'll run
So the mass won't hurt this one
Falling deeper, the trigger; you
Just a simple glance; I knew
My heart pulls me; and I subdue
My hands are reached above my head
In hopes that someone pulls the thread
And then I wake; I'm in my bed
Julie P. 9.15.07
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Comment by: mafsa - 2007-09-16 16:52
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And then I [wake]; Iā??m in my bed
>i thought 'wake' always goes with 'up'
i like the topic, too, and your poem is really strong.
thumbs up!
Mary:p |
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Comment by: GreenIce Online- 2007-09-16 14:57
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| Thank you Damien. You obviously know alot of english and writing to know how to fix mistakes. I value all your words to help me. I did make a few adjustments from what you said. Thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to write that..sometimes i get caught up in the rhyme or subject, i forget what goes where... I appreciate it. Thank you Sir. *bows* ;) |
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I really like the subject matter. With that said :
"Learn the hard way to learn the lesson"
Two 'learns'in the same sentence. Try:
TAKE the hard way to learn the lesson.
"Hoping; praying to end this time"
When you say ' end THIs time" it sounds like there is a particular time you wish to end. I know you meant you time in exsistance or something to that extent but that's not what you wrote.
Try : Hoping; praying to end IT this time.
"Fate comes quickly, just behind"
I feel 'just' isn't the rigt word. Try: from
"Grip my pen to end; I signed"
' Isigned' should be at the beginning of this snetence. Try : resigned ADJECTIVE: Feeling or marked by resignation; acquiescent:
"And here I stand, forced despite"
I had to look this one up.
Becuase 'despite' is a propositon, it belongs before an adjective and not at the end of the sentence.
Try: in spite : NOUN: 1. Malicious ill will prompting an urge to hurt or humiliate.
"Falling deeper, the trigger; you"
Try: My falling is triggered by you.
"Just a simple glance; I knew"
Once again, when you write something like this, it reads like that very same'simple glance' is what you knew. None other existed before it.
Try: Just a simple glance ENSUE INTRANSITIVE VERB: 1. To follow as a consequence or result.
I know, rough start but you have a solid piece. Just needs some polishing up.
D.Dread |
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