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Labour Saving
The wind, rattling, sighing,
A low hum in the room,
Machines ticking over,
Alive in the gloom.
Outside darkness sits,
And billows around.
Inside darkness is;
Not to be found.
Little green lights,
Blink. Flash and flare,
Talking to each other,
And yet they don't scare.
They live in our homes,
Suck down their food
Let them save labour,
Surely it's good.
Too much leisure time
Wastes us away,
Like small aimless creatures,
Our fur turns to grey.
Lost all our lives.
Entertained throughout.
Know lots about things,
Close people, cut out.
Perpetual daylight,
Control over nature,
Our souls will stay child like
And never mature.
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Profound, Shaft. I like it. Good rhythmn, well said, well written.
Last two lines: Were you implying that machines rob us of physical and mental growth? If so, good insight.
One line seemed a little incongruous: "Outside darkness sits,
And billows around." "Sits" indicates idleness. "Billows" indicates movement. In this construction the two verbs must agree. Both must indicate either idleness or movement. One or the other.
Keep writing, Shaft. Practice makes perfect. |
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Comment by: - 2006-02-11 12:33
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| Yes we've turned into robots alright. But you've seen through it. Good poem |
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Comment by: shaft - 2006-02-11 02:15
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Thanks for your comment, it's precisely what I needed to hear and you are correct in your assumptions. The last four lines are the weakest and do need some work.
I hadn't thought child like could be good because of the mood I was in when I wrote this. To me child like was naive and undeveloped. I can see how it could be taken as innocent and as a good thing. Hmmm, I shall work. Thanks! |
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like the coldness, the movement, the clinicalness - drew me in. For me something is off in these last two lines. I feel like what you are describing in the previous lines is thought of as 'mature' or 'grown up' in our crazy capitalist culture.
So when I get to:
'Our souls will stay child like
And never mature'
To me that represents a GOOD thing, something I would like to attain. child-like wonder.
Maybe you could say our souls will stay 'infantile' or something thats speaks more of that kind of state? if that is your intent. |
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