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Breathing Treatment
Awkward brushes of finger tips on wrist
and drops of wine glazed on lips
Empty glasses and yes, yes,
more, keep rap rap rapping
on my cellar door,
pillage the store
Onslaught or dance,
this is my chance, tonight
to leave, to fly,
to breathe
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Comment by: - 2008-05-31 13:50
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| this is very good |
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| I have never been so brave to write a poem this short, but I appreciate those who are. I was a little thrown off by the punctuation, the lack of periods and use of commas in some places (yes, yes) when they are overlooked in others (rap rap). But that's probably 'cause I'm just not used to it. Good read. |
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"Empty glasses and yes, yes,
more, keep rap rap rapping
on my cellar door"
The imagery is magnificent, truly. This poem is ever-so-slightly sensual; it's the writer right at the edge of something. I really loved it. Thank you for sharing. |
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I really love the line "pillage the store." There are so many meanings to that one particular line! I loved the brevity of this piece. It felt perfect in length. You also used very few pronouns. I felt that this could have been a much different piece with more of them...I think with more pronouns this piece would have lost its mysteriousness...and its quickness.
Thanks for the read! I would love to read more! |
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Comment by: briana - 2007-11-04 21:16
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| This was incredable! I loved how it all played together. Thank you. |
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