I had perfected the art of jumping
automatically to the worst of the possible conclusions.
Always doubting that the universe will let things
play out in a way that might allow me to be happy.

What resulted from this was a constant
state of acute apprehension while a million maybes
and a head full of what ifs plagued my mind
never letting me be for a moment content

Soul-searching became quite difficult
when all of the exogenous variables
I CANNOT CONTROL began to weigh
much too heavily on my spirit

So I blanked it all out...

Going through the motions of being
Alive but not ever feeling quite
there but never completely
Aware of who I am becoming
And not noticing those things that are truely something
Worthwhile

Forever overlooking beauty in what is simple
because what is easier is to hide
in my invented obscuirty, in my void, in my pride
And turn away running from what might be too hard
From what might hurt or make me feel
Anything at all

Something other than anxiety
which is comforting
in all of its uncomfortable pressures
Because it is familiar
Because it is routine
Because it is what I have been doing
For as long as I can remember

I have made these barriers, walls, and separations
Setting them up around my life with massive calculation
This has been premeditated seclusion

I built my world of delusion
strategically placing my bricks of distrust
cementing them in with my insecurities
Not forgetting to block out the annoying rays of hope
with a ceiling of inpenetrable coldness

I lived in this dark place for so long
My eyes hadn't adjusted to the possibility of salvation

Where did you get off invading my fortress anyway?
With your wreckingball of passion
You caused everything to fall
Every wall has crumbled down
Leaving me exposed
Alone
Under construction.

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