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BrightLamp
Amanda P.
United States, Guam

Words: 464
Access: Public
Comments: 7

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Foreign Love

Foreign Love

On the sidewalk, moving towards where I sat at a red light, were some Japanese tourists. Especially in Tumon, this is quite ordinary and normally I would have just kept tapping my fingers on the steering wheel in beat with my tunes. However, I like that word, because you can insert the most unrelated anecdote and it manages to link the two worlds, I was looking up and that is all there is to it.

What my eyes found was a short, young but trying to look older, woman wearing a white peasant shirt over long plaid shorts. Attached to her hand, was a slightly taller man wearing jeans and a green tee shirt. From where I was, I could make out no other details. When they walked, she swung their clasped hands and they spoke, now even if I could hear this conversation I do not understand Japanese so the words are insignificant. The way they looked at each other gave it all away. Something was happening; these two were going places when they stood still.

All of a sudden she found something that caught her attention on the other side of the street, and proceeded to attempt a diagonal line across a busy three way intersection. He did not let her go or yank her back; he was ready to follow if unable to persuade her back on the curb. Her face widened with a grin, she stepped back and followed him to the cross walk ten feet in front of them.

I doubt anything else on the side of the road could match this romance. She was far too distracted by the me-and-you-and-here-and-now-and-I-like-you-like-you-like-me-and-this-is-good-and-and-and-run-on-sentence of it all to pick up on her surroundings, and he too was absorbed in it all, but it led him to play the hero and save his damsel.

It all made me realize, that I have never felt such devotion that I would walk aimlessly into on-coming traffic just for the sake of it, but that may just mean I have commonsense.

It may all sound like the story of two idiot tourists who do not know how to read the traffic signals, and for all I know by now they have broken up, and it is unlikely that either of them will ever be able to recall this memory which is now etched in me, but I also believe that it is these little insignificant moments that we so easily forget that build up to it. Whatever it is, whatever we are searching for, whatever makes life feel real.

To all the little girls who dream of Barbie weddings and roses with baby’s breath: that is complete bullshit. It all goes back to “I want to hold your hand.” And that is all.

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Comments  
csfastweb Comment by: csfastweb - 2007-10-05 13:15
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I like the way the story is set up in a dialogue; it allows for a lot of the mistakes because it's the character writing/saying it. However, I felt that the last line didn't feel real to the character at all. I would suggest revising it.

Other than that, great story.
alecthegreat Comment by: alecthegreat - 2007-10-01 12:41
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The title is what really drew me in. With that said, I think I was expecting something entirely different than what's here. I like this, but I'm not sure if I'd classify it as a short story. It certainly feels more like a poem or a commentary.

In the middle paragraph (4th from top and bottom), I think you have a couple of words out of order "She far was too distracted..." perhaps should be "She was far too distracted..." It's minor, but it did hold me up there for a moment.

I like the hyphenated part of the sentence that comes directly after.
Fantasy Comment by: Fantasy - 2007-09-29 23:13
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This one is refreshing..

I liked this one.. and the below statements.. just because it is the kind that snatches you away from the story and reminds you that you're reading one..(which could also make you smile a lot after reading it) and it is what's contrary to that pop belief of losing your reader in the telling of a story..

kudos!

"However, I like that word, because you can insert the most unrelated anecdote and it manages to link the two worlds, ..."

"I was looking up and that is all there is to it.e-and-you-and-here-and-now-and-I-like-you-like-you-like-me-and-this-is-good-and-and-and-run-on-sentence of it all..."
JFisher Comment by: JFisher - 2007-09-29 12:21
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This was what I like to call prose-poetry. Not quite poetry, not quite prose. I sense you are striving for some sort of stream-of-consciousness style but hold your self back. If I was you, I'd try writing the entire thing from scratch - without the framework of sentences and paragraphs, just phrases snaking down the paper(screen) see if that doesn't free you to expressing yourself this style **I** sense you are striving to attain. Whatever - it was enjoyable and I look forward to more.
YeOldeFart Comment by: YeOldeFart - 2007-09-28 19:37
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This was an interesting incident and I like your powers of observation, but, this is not a short story. It's an essay. You could easily turn it into a short story though by using the active voice, making positive statements, and dramatizing the events.
As a 1st person narrator you can't possibly know what other characters are thinking. 2nd paragraph 1st sentence "...a short, young BUT WISHED TO BE OLDER..." How can the narrator know what is in the mind of that woman?
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