 |
 |
 |
| |
cracks
there are wounds cut inside me
not healed by time
loosely bandaged
and seeping.
i thought i knew all the cures
figured out all the sutures
but
i'm reminded by the fresh blood
and gaping seams
of my elaborate plans
to "get well soon".
i feel cracks open and burn
taking turns running deep
without enough promises or conviction
to keep them at bay.
i'll try again,
covering my eyes
in hopes
no one can see
while failed attempts
bring back the pain
and split my bones like train rails
Want to comment on this Poetry?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Poetry and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
|
 |
|
[Back to top]
|
|
 |
Comment by: tikum - 2007-10-23 15:09
|
|
Hi Caryn,
Thanks for the poem. Reading it, one can't help feeling that all the world's troubles hve fallen on one (unfortunate)person's head. However, the overall effect is that it makes one sit up and think. |
|
|
| From reading some of your previous work, I think I know where you are going with this. I would take some of the advice of sporvirus. This has the making of something really good. |
|
|
I love the elements here, but, to make it cohesive, think of the audience. The toughest thing to be a legitimate writer is to be able to be understood and widely related to. Read this one to yourself, alone in a room---does it tell a story, or present an imagery that one can climb into.
If not, the reader quits before the poem is finished. Make this thing engaging. Create a scene with the same viscerals and make us relate. We know this pain. Personify where you have personalized. Get the distinction? If not, create a character to feel this besides yourself. Give her a concrete name and place and the rest will follow.
Most importantly, you did what you did. Now, take it to the next level. Congrats, so far.
SV |
|
|
Brilliant last line.(sorry twilight - think it ends how it should).
Really tragic piece - a feeling of no hope that everyone can relate to. |
|
|
| I can see merit in both critiques. I think it does need a bit more direction and that Greenvroom is definitely right about the title. It's a work in progress :) Thank you both for the critiques. |
| 1 2 Next |
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
