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Wee Poems Contest - Desire
I live inside a shadow's grasping hand
Surrounded by the ghosts of failures past.
While sunshine brightens up this bonny land,
The chains of indecision hold me fast.
The eyes of him I love are all I see,
His touch is all the heaven I desire.
But truth be told, I know that I'm not free,
And ice begins to quench love's raging fire.
The darkness that engulfs me draws me near-
It promises a respite from my pain.
For there are other worlds than this, my dear-
Our hearts will find each other once again.
And when at last our souls are joined as one,
No man shall put asunder what's been done.
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Comment by: - 2007-09-28 17:07
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| Very visual, Jennie. '...ghosts of failures past.' Good stuff. |
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Great imagery in this - "I live inside a shadow's grasping hand". Although there's a real sense of 'entombment' and being captured - it's also passionate. I like the marriage allusion at the end - a real sense of the 'finite'.
Nice one. |
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Comment by: Arley - 2007-09-27 11:12
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| The first two lines drew me in and at the end of the last verse I was captured. Fantastic job here, Jen! |
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Comment by: mafsa - 2007-09-27 04:09
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an exquisite sonnet, really romantic and sweet, though not saccharine.
i love the finishing lines, a great promise embedded on them.
Mary:p |
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Comment by: alien - 2007-09-27 03:56
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This is great. I see the depth of feeling in the lines. The rhyme and metre are clinical and accurate.
Sometimes, the beauty of a sonnet comes when enjambment is used to such an effect that the line endings seem not to be a pause in the rhythm of the piece. I think that you could have employed that effect more in this piece, as every line end seemed to create a slight pause in the flow. The meaning would have been conveyed much more effectively had it flowed a little better.
I appreciate the difficulty, so it's not so much a criticism as a piece of advice for future sonnets. I have a hard time creating that flowing effect myself!
But I actually really enjoyed this poem and I'm glad you've entered it in the contest :D
Thanks. |
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