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City Smells
Cool salty sea breeze
carried in from the fog
The afternoon onshore push
as I finish my jog
I had run past Ghirardelli
chocolate wafts through the square
For a slight eye closing moment
made of chocolate, is the air
Running through the court
passing vendors galore
Steamed hot dogs and sausages
just four bucks, no more
Resisting them all
and five blocks to go
I start to come up
on my last restaurant row
Indian and Mongolian
These exotic aromas I smell
but it is the scent of garlic
that catches me well
I have finished my jog
and go out to the disco
But it's the city smells
that help make up San Francisco
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Comment by: dlynn - 2007-11-11 10:42
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Thank you all for your comments/critique.
Grae, I made the little correction.
You are right, I did use disco to rhyme with S.F.
I will take another look at the poem and see how I
may want to tweak the wording.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
: )
Diane |
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Hi, Diane,
'I have finish my jog
and go out to the disco'
I like everything above apart from these two lines. The first is grammatically wrong, so it only takes an edit, but the second feels like a handy rhyme for San Francisco (which it is) and not an essential / integral part of the poem.
The smells and flow of the story from fog and breeze, and running through the streets, is very well structured and gives many images and received tastes / smells, but I lost the flow with the 'disco' image. It may be a 'personal' detail that makes sense to the writer, but our poetry should go beyond ourselves and reach the reader intact and understndable. Perhaps SF is the disco capital of the world and it is my knowledge at fault. I can only say as I see. I haven't read the other comments below, so don't know if any body else has commented upon this, but needed to say above.
It's just what impressed itself upon me when reading your poem. It shouldn't relegate the rest to the shadows, but for me it did.
Other details and names 'four buck, no more' are apt and requisite parts of a very good poem that gives a lot to the reader.
It's just IMO, Diane.
Thanks for the read - Grae. |
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Comment by: mafsa - 2007-10-24 22:16
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wow, what a yummy poem! thanks for sharing.
Mary:p
For a slight eye closing moment / made of chocolate, is the air
>my favorite! |
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| I smelled it every step of the way. I have been to San Francisco, only once and briefly, but I was captivated and I think you caught it well. |
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Comment by: dlynn - 2007-10-19 13:27
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Thank you all for your nice comments.
Kelley, you must visit San Francisco at least once.
The skyline is stunning, the Golden Gate is breath-taking, and the
cuisine is fabulous.
Rob, a hot dog (among other items) is very expensive in San Francisco.
I only go to the City when someone comes out to visit, then I will splurge.
Oh, "my jog" is in the first stanza, but it sits in the fourth line.
: )
Diane |
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