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Experimenting. A poem about my generation
It all came out of the sky
I watched the frozen nineties pack away and call it quits
Insects crawling across the subway lines
Regressing and animalizing poisoned manuscripts
I noticed several cities capitulate: Rome is burning
London Bridge is falling down
And New York is all fucked up.
Introduced myself with jargon: homegrown
Al Qaeda Iraq Infatada with Rome and London
Irrelevant and powerless. I watched snakes slither across the glass
Fake laughter forced opinions, protection security protection -
All waiting for one half hour to pass
I watched the brightest minds of my time
Torn between two lovers
The slow decaying of the rhyme, in favor
Of Emotionless. Thoughtlessness. Laziness.
Brave hearted boys flew to the cradle
To kill, this had become all too easy
Like Hitler rockets bombarding London town, there is no
Need for bravery when your finger’s on the trigger,
Ain’t that right, motherfucker?
Ain’t that right, motherfucker? For twopence, I’d see
A man blown to smithereens
On several television screens, screams as recorded by friends of mine
Laughing. Fuck it.
Downloaded through barracks in military time
It all came out of the sky.
The ten trillion mark. The sacking of Baghdad. Wait for it.
Somehow it will go kaboom. The bees are thrown off by this. 75 percent of all specie is
Insects.
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Thanks for the insightful feedback. Let me adress your concerns and advise.
"You went from insects (line 3) to manuscripts (line 4) and I'm not sure what manuscripts you're referring to." - Basically this was meant to be a criticism of contemporary writers, how there are so many and the bar has been lowered so far. But looking back at it I like the concept but the wording is aweful.
"In your list of cities, I would be interested (as the reader) to know why you think they're "all fucked up". Throw us a little hint of the message you're trying to send with this piece." Rome - Old great empire, Britain - largest empire ever and our nation's father, basically, New York - New empire - but the new empire is burning (9/11) just like the capitols of old empires.
"I liked the "irrelevant and powerless". I'm not sure where the "snakes slithering across the glass" came from. If this is symbolic for something it needs to be more clear. If this is something you're actually watching...than bring us back to the present moment somehow." Yeah this part is botched, I used "glass" to mean television screen, and snakes are tghe corrupt media, but it's too abstract and poorly worded. Will revise.
"I like the idea of the brightest minds torn between two lovers
I LOVE the last four lines. These are powerful and insightful." Thanks!
"I must say it's hard for me to read a section of this one ojectively, being a veteran of the United States Army. I come from a family who has proudly served since pre-WWI." Not all wars are the same. You have alot to be proud of but this poem is about MY generation, and the wars of my generation differ profoundly in character from previous wars.
"I don't like the line "no need for bravery when you finger's on the trigger". Triggers defend against opposing triggers, and how easy it is to proclaim (or imply) that we should be less than brave with them by our sides... Would it be brave to lay down your trigger in the middle of a battlefield...?" Heh, this section is about the reliance of our military on technology that makes it all too easy to kill, hence the reference to Hitler, who also had an army that was dependant on technology. The courageousness of the battlefield declines when you don't ecven have to see any enemy anymore to shoot him. I have many friends that have been over there, and I'm looking forward to going myself, and it's no secret that our wars nowadays can often be called 'turkeyshoots'
"it it bravery that writes war-time poetry from the comfort of a battlefield-less dormatory?" Its bravery to resist the temptation to fight unjust wars. Jus Ad Bellum I think its called, Just War Theory.
"While it does take bravery to go against the grain...(even with our opinions sometimes)...bravery should not be confused with irrational bravado. To lay down our "triggers" whilst there are still triggers pointed at us is not bravery, it's stupidity. We do not exist in utopia, my college friend...no matter how much our brilliant minds would like to fancy it to be possible." Only thing is this war is bullshit, and everybody knows it. WWII was honorable but this war is the furthest thing from honorable i could possibly imagine. There wouldn't be triggers pointed at us if we (my generation) hadn't been tricked to go over there and too apathetic to put an end to it.
"All opinions aside...I think this is the beginning of a great piece here. I will enjoy coming back to read it again after a little revision." Thank you, Im not sure what will become of this piece but i do appretiate the feedback! |
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You went from insects (line 3) to manuscripts (line 4) and I'm not sure what manuscripts you're referring to.
In your list of cities, I would be interested (as the reader) to know why you think they're "all fucked up". Throw us a little hint of the message you're trying to send with this piece.
I liked the "irrelevant and powerless". I'm not sure where the "snakes slithering across the glass" came from. If this is symbolic for something it needs to be more clear. If this is something you're actually watching...than bring us back to the present moment somehow.
I like the idea of the brightest minds torn between two lovers
I LOVE the last four lines. These are powerful and insightful.
I must say it's hard for me to read a section of this one ojectively, being a veteran of the United States Army. I come from a family who has proudly served since pre-WWI.
I don't like the line "no need for bravery when you finger's on the trigger". Triggers defend against opposing triggers, and how easy it is to proclaim (or imply) that we should be less than brave with them by our sides...it it bravery that writes war-time poetry from the comfort of a battlefield-less dormatory? Would it be brave to lay down your trigger in the middle of a battlefield...?
While it does take bravery to go against the grain...(even with our opinions sometimes)...bravery should not be confused with irrational bravado. To lay down our "triggers" whilst there are still triggers pointed at us is not bravery, it's stupidity. We do not exist in utopia, my college friend...no matter how much our brilliant minds would like to fancy it to be possible.
All opinions aside...I think this is the beginning of a great piece here. I will enjoy coming back to read it again after a little revision. |
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Comment by: Sophia - 2007-11-12 01:11
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| Great poem, really well written and full of strength of feeling as I have come to expect from your work. Great to read something by you again, and sorry I haven't been commenting much, haven't been here much recently, but I'll be reading more of your poems. |
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Comment by: - 2007-10-03 06:56
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Powerful.
Absolutely powerful.
hits right in the heart. |
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