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House Rules
The next 200 word challenge from my writer's group. Must incorporate the words
Life is a minefield.
******
The day her Mom’s boyfriend and his son moved in, Alicia counted down the rules one finger at a time.
‘I take a bath at six thirty every morning. Don’t touch my soap. Make sure you are seated at the dinner table after me. Don’t expect any help with school projects. Lights out at nine-thirty, sharp. Don't sit next to me in the bus.’
Kyle sounded aggravated. ‘You're telling me that with you, life is a minefield.'
Alicia ignored him and continued the count. ‘My music is out of bounds and don’t mess with my friends.’ She paused.
He waved his hands and stuck out his nose at her. ‘I have my own friends, okay. I take a bath every day and the time is my business. Don’t bump into me in the kitchen late at night. My computer is out of bounds. Music? Oh, you haven’t heard music, little lady. My Ipod’s out of bounds, my surround system is untouchable and my motorbike isn't a taxi.’
‘Have you finished?’
‘Yes.’
‘What music do you have?’
‘House. Disco. Techno. Beethoven. Mozart’.
‘I love Mozart. Can I listen?’
‘Sure.’
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| Said it very well, and I liked the almost contenscious atmosphere with friendship forming over the music. Well written, good assignment! |
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Comment by: mafsa - 2007-10-05 04:24
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oh, a cute story! youth of the 80's?
i love that both of them loved Mozart. my favorite masterpieces are Beethoven's "Fur Elise" and the timeless "Moonlight Sonata". thanks for the cool read. good luck with the challenge and Godspeed!
Mary:p |
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| I loved the way the two came to a compromise over music. Very original and well thought out. |
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Comment by: - 2007-10-04 12:48
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Louis, good story line and believable characters (as is the situation). I liked the wry humor you displayed at the end, too. It seems fitting for the theme you were assigned.
Crits:
The day mom’s boyfriend // Mom's
Alicia counted down the rules by displaying one finger after another. // alternative: "Alicia counted off the rules one finger at a time."
here you’ll find that life is a minefield.’ // This is an odd thing to announce to someone. Wouldn't it be more effective if this was intuited and then revealed by Kyle? Instead of "Kyle sounded aggravated. ‘That’s some hectic stuff.’," you can try "Kyle sounded aggravated. ‘You're telling me that with you, life is a battlefield.'" Regardless, "‘That’s some hectic stuff.’" is a bit vague |
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