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You Know It's the First Time When...
His mind was racing. Could he tell her what had been on his mind and heart for so long? This was his chance; it was now or...a couple days from now. Not exactly never, but close enough. He would surely lose his nerve if he let this chance pass by.
But he felt ready now. He just didn't know if he really was ready. As he looked into her eyes, he forgot to smile. He just stared at her, like his life was about to come to an end...
Finally, she said to him, "What's wrong?" He just let the words plink off his face because he was thinking too much and talking too little.
Again, she asked him, "What's wrong? Are you okay?"
Again, the words of the first sentence just plinked off his face. What if he screwed things up in telling her--or not telling her? They had been going out for only two months but already he had such strong feelings for her. He was sure that term "feelings" was just a convenient way to put a label on what was otherwise the untamable sensation of "true love"!
Finally, he realized that she was talking to him, and though he still didn't hear the words she had used, he realized he must have been scaring her by just staring at her the way he was. "First time" "True love?" "How I feel about her" "Whoa!"
"Are you alright?" she said again, getting frustrated, "Why won't you answer me?" She liked him a lot, but for the past three days or so, he'd been acting rather strangely around her, like he wanted to tell her something, but she didn't know what, and she was starting to doubt that even he knew.
But apparently, he did, as in one quick breath he simply blurted out, "I love you for the first time!" Then he said, "Wait--I mean--aww man..." He was so embarrassed that he just stopped talking about it. It was done so awkwardly that they were both too shocked to even consider touching the subject a second time.
"How's things with your girlfriend?" a friend of his asked him two days later.
"I told her I loved her for the first time," he cringed.
"Nice!"
"Yeah!" the man said, laughing in disbelief of how horribly it had gone. "She didn't quite know how to take that."
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Hi Russel, You've written a good little vignette. I think I see where you're heading here, the girl in the story is your MC's first long relationship, first sex and now, first love. I like how he blows it in his blurt, but somewhere in the narrative, you need to write it properly because it is a passive construct the way you've got it expressed here.
If you're going to stick to web paragraph formatting you need to insert another line break in between your first four and last four paragraphs, even though a few only contain a single line of dialogue. Apart from that, the conversations are believable and I actually chuckled when I read your story.
Thanks for sharing. |
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Comment by: - 2007-10-06 13:11
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"The First Time is Always Awkward"
"To Say or Not to Say?"
"Awk"
"..."
"The First"
"<3<3 ;)"
"More than a Feeling"
"Honesty"
"Carpe Diam"
"It's More Than That"
"Writer's Block for the Heart"
Lame title ideas, yes, but perhaps they will generate an idea?
I think he should say "I love you" or "for the first time, I love someone you" because I think after the first three words, it would be hard to throw in the "for the first time" and it sounds dorky.
I would also change the friend asking about "you and your girlfriend" to something like, "you and that girl" or "you and your chick" something slightly less formal, because they're buds after all.
Those are just picky things, and if you like it as is, then leave it.
I really like the mood conveyed. Seriously, this brought up memories and that is always a good thing, for a piece to make the reader think/feel/whatever |
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