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MONTEZUMA'S DRINK
How long,
How unexpectedly discordant was that day!
Unwillingly,
I'm trying to wash down
The lipstick traces from your cup.
Your voice in my ears is still ringing up.
The water in the sink doesn't wish
The traces being away.
Over the coffee
We discussed the failures
Of our married common friend.
You were full of your quips,
So wonderful and cheerful.
Why suddenly you've got up,
Sad and tearful,
And bolted out
With no goodbye said in the end?
What went so wrong?
Behind my window there's the park.
The silent night
Has other things on its own mind
As ever,
While from the sickle-moon,
Indifferently clever,
It drinks the bitterness
Of chocolate dark.
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My dear, thank you for thinking about punctuation.
But I have thought of it:
1. Placing a full stop after UP.
2. Using UP to be rhymed with CUP.
Again thank you, dear Dawn. |
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I bookmarked this one.
And I also wanted to make a suggestion. Truly, your poem is fine the way it is, but I was wondering if it would read a little better with a change in punctuation in the first stanza:
Your voice in my ears is still ringing -- (remove up & add a hypen)
The water in the sink doesnâ??t wish
The traces being away.
Because it kind of ties the two sentences together . . . |
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Dear Dawn, it is a good chance to make it two cups, - incidentally I love coffee too.
(smile) |
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| Absolutely. I just wanted to make the point that the wording was unusual to my American ears :) Poetry is not my forte and I often have difficulty trying to figure out what the author is trying to convey; however, your poem struck me in an unusual way . . . . (oh, my, I think it's time for coffee). |
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No, my dear, I namely wanted to say the water doesn't wish to rinse the lipstick. Before it I said about my trying to wash it...
Thanks for your review. |
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