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Tragedy
As I pass by the calm river,
something shivers
inside of me –
dark mystery.
Though I vaguely remember things,
my broken wings
and shattered dreams
are none but grim.
And I can’t help myself but cry –
how can I fly
and soar up high
in the blue sky?
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Comment by: mafsa - 2007-10-11 04:09
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| thanks again, miss! i'm glad you're taking time to read this ;p |
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Comment by: alien Online- 2007-10-11 04:04
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Getting better :)
This bit could be better punctuated, I think:
Though I vaguely remember things:
my broken wings
and shattered dreams,
nothing but grim.
>>>
Though I vaguely remember things,
my broken wings
and shattered dreams:
nothing but grim.
maybe? It would slightly alter the sense of the stanza, though - it depends what your original intentions were.
The last 2 lines are still failing. Ask yourself, "Does my poem still make sense without these lines? Does it need them? Do they add meaning or move the poem forward in any way? My answer to those questions would be NO, other than they 2 lines are needed there to keep the form, those ones are meaningless.
You'll get there :) |
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Comment by: mafsa - 2007-10-11 03:21
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thank you, sir Jim and miss Betty!
by the way, the original lines were,
Soar very high / till end is nigh?
it took me a long time to change that part, and then i remember sir Parris' suggestion that a lot of prayers won't hurt so the lines became,
I cannot say, /for this I pray.
about the dreams/grim thing, i'll try and think about it. but i think it's what i heard 'slant rhyme' (am i right? ;p). i fact, i like the 'nothing but grim' line. but suggestions are very welcome!
Mary:p |
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| Almost on target rhyme scheme except for the dreams/grim duo. I suggest tinkering with that "nothing but grim" line a bit to find a better match. Nice reflection of someone's inner tumoil in reaching their dreams. |
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Comment by: - 2007-10-10 05:34
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Mary, I didn't read the original version, but I'm inferring from the comments and what I read now that you made changes.
I really like this version. Very introspective. My only nit is "dreams" and "grim" are rhyming stretch, but perhaps that's a difference in the American tongue / ear. |
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