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"Everything"
'Everything'
I've handed you
The whole world.
On a golden platter.
While you sit upon
That chair of diamonds
Which was hand crafted
By myself.
I've hoisted you above
All the rest you call
The undeserving others.
With my hands bleeding
from the work of love.
I've pulled you out
Of the deep dark pit of depression.
And showed you the nessisity
of being alive.
I've give you my hand
To give you stability for eternity.
I've given you
Everything you heart desires
And you still seem to push me away
And save me for a rainy day.
I've given you
All I have
And yet
You still insist on more.
I won't make
That same mistake
I've made before
So now I'm walking
out that door.
Never looking back.
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| well i liked it and thought it worked well i feel that with love poems if its the word you feel then its the right word for love is all about feelings |
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Comment by: alien - 2006-02-10 07:28
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I think there's some really good thoughts in here, but you need to hone the craft a little more to stop it sounding a little cliché. Love poetry is hard to write because it's been done so many times, many of the angles have been covered and covered and covered, so you need to find a fresh way of expressing them.
Also, I think you need to prune this piece to get rid of the excess words which don't help to carry the meaning forward. For example, stanza 2 might sound better like this:
"You sit upon
a diamond throne,
hand crafted
By me."
That's a lovely stanza, but you have to realise that poetry is a concentration of words, every one of which MUST hold a meaning. Poetry cannot waste words. That is why it's hard to write. So, with this stanza and the rest of the poem, you can make it more powerful by cutting out wasted words and replacing others with words that increase the potency of the meaning. Like when I changed "chair" to "throne". The word "throne" straight away suggests royalty, or a person of a high status. The fact that "you" crafted the throne then suggests that the subject of your poem is of a higher status than you, as you are merely a craftsman. All this is conveyed in a few words, just by choosing the most effective vocabulary.
I'm going to stop rambling on now and say that this is a very sweet poem. It could be better, but it is lovely :) |
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"All God's Children"
This book is a tribute to some of God's famous people in the limelight. Some have passed on but there are still some still alive and they need to hear the good things we have to say about them.
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