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latinapoet
Gloriam Justiniano
Puerto Rico, Mayaguez

Words: 160
Access: Public
Comments: 2

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"A Secret I Couldn't Keep" (Revised)

A long night ago you made yours,
Did you care?
As you caressed the sweat in my skin that was yours,
Could you even to my eyes stare?

What's done is done,
You took whatever you thought could be claimed,
But now that you are gone,
Who is really the one to be blamed?

I knew what was to come,
And yet I followed my heart,
I knew what was to come,
And now my illusions are teared appart.

I thought nobody would ever know,
Not even the man that today at me stares,
And easily can read my eyes' glares,
I thought he would never know.

Poor little O' me!
In the shithole that I'm in!
I was too blind too see,
My so transparent soul within,
Now he not only knows but didn't bother,
To ask me if I used to speak in my sleep,
When I used to sleep all along with his brother.

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Comments  
brokenwing Comment by: brokenwing - 2008-07-11 07:27
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Good, but another grammar comment. Torn apart rather than teared apart.
Wildefriend Comment by: Wildefriend - 2008-05-10 07:24
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Gloriam,

You have many good ideas here, and an individual way of phrasing that is different and refreshing. However, please perfect your knowledge of the English language.

People who read English as a native language
see ALL of your problems with grammar and English idioms and they can recognize your deficiencies in this area. Don''t give anyone a chance to criticize your writing for that reason. If you don't write in flawless English, you will fight an uphill battle.

For example the phrase you use should be:
Poor little ol' me! or Poor little old me!
(without the capital "O").

Good luck!
FC
1

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By latinapoet

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