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Holding On
I've sent you a hundred letters
all were sent back to me,
I kept on writing
hoping you'd get them eventually.
I never really gave up
on the silly thing they call love,
just kept moving on
push comes to shove,
and you can't stop
you have to go on.
I see everyone around me
unhappily holding on,
hoping for something better
to come along,
Well, I'm not settling for less
I won't keep my feelings repressed,
I'll wait forever cause I'd rather be wrong
than be where I don't belong.
Copyright 2007 Rachelle Hermanson
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I love the rhythm in this piece i connect with it very well..
curious about the ending though it seems to contradict itself...
"I'll wait forever cause I'd rather be wrong
than be where I don't belong."
I read that as Ill wait forever cause id rather be wrong about the other person wanting you back... why would you wait forever as well as hope to be wrong about the person wanting you back..
It loses me a bit.
I love it though otherwise~
Seth |
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| I love this piece of work, I love pure emotion and the ability to make others walk in our shoes , well done |
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The idea to use letters to capture the idea of heartbreak is an interesting one. I do have a few suggestions on the craft of it though...
I've sent you a hundred letters
all were sent back to me,
-Some will criticize you for this, but I think using passive voice is a good move here. It puts the object of the narrator's affection distant and removed.
I kept on writing
hoping you'd get them eventually.
-I don't see a writing reason for a few of the words. I think it would sound more wistful in fewer. Like "I kept writing/maybe you'd get them." would work just fine, and still contain the original meaning.
I never really gave up
on the silly thing they call love,
-This gets wordy again. "I never gave up/on the silly thing." I think you could even say "on the silly game." and the reader would understand that you meant love, though that is up to you.
just kept moving on
push comes to shove,
and you can't stop
you have to go on.
I see everyone around me
unhappily holding on,
hoping for something better
to come along,
Well, I'm not settling for less
I won't keep my feelings repressed,
-the rhyme in this sounds forced. It interrupts the flow. If you have to force a rhyme in, it's better to not rhyme.
I'll wait forever cause I'd rather be wrong
than be where I don't belong.
Just a few suggestions. I think a little clarity, and focus would work for this. It sounds wistful already, but if you really brought that feeling to the front, I think it would touch the reader a little more. |
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| Heartfelt emotion comes from this poem of love unreturned . . . I like the tone of the poem and the entreties because they do not come off as whining . . . Whining is never good . . . Very good write . . . |
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