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DavidHe
David He
Online
China, Pinliang, Pingliang

Words: 880
Access: Public
Comments: 18

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Suspicion (Rerevised)

Michael and Nicole happened to meet at the university. During the three years, they’d known each other; they had developed a close relationship. They helped each other whenever in trouble. After graduation, they both came to work in the city of Lanzhou.

One day, in her office, Nicole collapsed in an abrupt coma. Immediately, she was sent to the hospital and thorough examination showed that she had suffered such renal failure that her kidney should be transplanted.

No doubt, a large amount of money would be needed. Michael tried to borrow money from every possible friend but the sum was still small. To make matters worse, both the families were very poor and neither could even make ends meet. How could he manage the money for the transplant?

Soon an idea occurred to Michael.

He went to a nearby hospital to sell blood, but a month later, when he counted all the money he had made, it was still not enough. As time went by, she became worse and worse. He had no choice but to pick Nicole’s sister up to look after her. Two days later, he disappeared. At first Nicole thought he needed to get away from all the stress, but when he didn’t get back after weeks, Nicole suspected that he had dumped her. She began to hate him.

A month or more later, however, to her great joy, a large amount of money was deposited to her account. The operation was successfully done and she became better and better. After she recovered, she went on working. She could not forget him, but the more she thought of him the more she hated him. Soon she met a new lover,Jack and got married.

Four years later, Jack came home one day after work and told Nicole he had read an interesting story in an old daily newspaper. When she asked what it was about, he told her it was about a man who helped the woman he loved, who was very sick. Hearing that, her heart gave a throb. Then she asked her husband to continue.

“The man once worked in a big city.” Her husband raised his voice. “Unfortunately, his lover suffered from a serious disease, needed an expensive operation, but she did not have such a large amount.”

“It seems very interesting, go on, please!” Nicole said.

“He tried every friend for money, but in vain.”

“What a pity! She must have had no choice but to die!”

“Don’t be in such a hurry dear! I am coming to that.”

“One night, he figured out a way to get the money. He went to another big city and broke into a bank and managed to open the custody. He took some money and left, without being noticed.”

“Oh, God! He might have been arrested!”

“Yes, but first he was able to post the money to the girl's account!” Jack explained.

Nicole seemed lost in deep thought. She sat there quietly, eyes fixed on the floor in front of her. Seconds later, she looked up at Jack.

“What happened to him next?” she asked suddenly.

“After he had posted the money, he felt slightly guilty. What he had done began to worry him. He wanted to give himself up to the police, but he could not find a wise excuse for where the money had gone, for he swore that he would never tell the truth about it. An idea came to him that he should find a way to kill himself. Before he was able to do it, the police caught him.”

“I am sorry for him, but what happened to him next?” Nicole asked eagerly.

“When the police asked him about the money, he said that he was robbed. Unable to find further evidence, but knowing that he committed the crime they threw him into prison.”

“When did that happen?” Nicole frowned.

“I can’t remember now, but it was about five years ago.”

No sooner had Jack finished than Nicole let out a sharp cry, “What’s his name, dear? Is it Michael?”

“Just Mike.”

Nicole became silent, her eyes in tears. Moments later, she said, “Did he ever speak of posting a large amount of money to someone in prison?”

“No, he didn’t.”

“It must be him, my dear!” She rose up quickly. “Where is the newspaper, please?”

“I put it in a dustbin after having read it.” Jack looked rather puzzled. “It must be who?”

“Michael!” Nicole replied without any hesitation. “He is the very person I have been looking for for years!”

Jack was even more puzzled. “How was that, dear?”

“Do you remember that I had a kidney transplant before we got married?” She turned to him, a bit excited.

“Yes?” Jack frowned.

“It was to save me that he was thrown into prison!” Nicole started to weep. “I will never forget him!”

Jack made no response at first, but soon became furious. “Do you still love him? A prisoner?”

“But I do!” replied Nicole, after a long silence. “I can’t let him stay there alone.”

That night, Nicole left home. Jack didn’t stop her. Instead, he stood at the window, smoking hard when she stepped out, in the moonlight.

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Comments  
DavidHe Comment by: DavidHe Online- 2008-07-19 06:33
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Dear Cracketnotbroken, thanks very much for the nice suggestions. I have added them in the story. I hope you can reread the revised story and give another comment. I am ready to learn from you. Best wishes.
crackednotbroken Comment by: crackednotbroken - 2008-07-19 05:27
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Of course, you may not wish to change all these, but here they are;

"During the three years, they’d known each..." ~ lose the comma
"He had no choice but to pick her sister up to look after her." ~ I'm still confused by this sentence.
"However, a month or more later, to her great joy, a large amount of money was posted to her account." ~ I still don't like this sentence. Perhaps ~ A month or more later, however, to her great joy, a large amount of money was deposited to her account.
"Four years later, one day after work, Jack came back home, telling Nicole that he had been reminded of a very interesting story in an old daily newspaper." ~ Another one, I feel needs rewording ~ Four years later, Jack came home one day after work and told Nicole he had read an interesting story in an old daily newspaper.
"..but she had not such a big sum.” ~ ..but she did not have enough money or but she did not have such a large amount.
“Don’t be in such a hurry, dear! I am coming to that.” ~ At the very least, lose the comma here. I he is exclaiming, I don't feel he would take a pause there.
"..managed to open the custody." ~ Perhaps a more English friendly word for custody.
"And, an idea came to him that he should..." ~ You shouldn't start a sentence with And. Use instead ~ An idea came to him...
“Just Mike.” ~ Here Jack states his name is only Mike, however in the beginning of his retelling the story he read, he refers to the guy as Michael.
ItsDefNotMe Comment by: ItsDefNotMe - 2008-07-06 18:08
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As I first began reading this I thought it was very dry. I would have said things to describe how they acted instead of just saying that they appeared to be brother and sister. But then I continued reading and quickly began to realize...the story doesn't go into very much detail because it moves so fast. Now, I think the way it is written is better than what I had originally thought. The fast paced story line is what gives the reader chills as they read further and further. The hair on my extemities was standing on end as I read this. EXCELLENT work!
redtwinsis Comment by: redtwinsis - 2008-01-23 17:49
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Hello; as I read this it gave me chills it is very well written and a very good story.....Im not sure why but it touched me....Ive had a few heros in my day....
wizzer Comment by: wizzer Online- 2008-01-11 22:16
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excellent story

it has been recommended that an empty line be left between each paragraph to make it easier to read online

this is a story that TELLS but doesn't SHOW enough

please read the advice written by jackie french (the web page is on my profile) she has some excellent suggestions

eg you can say

it was a hot day when I went to the shop.

or

Beads of perspiration rolled down my face as I wondered if what I wanted at the shop was worth the effort.

not the best example but jackie french has one about a dragon sleeping which is FABULOUS!

Look at your work and see if you can describe the feelings more,

BUT not by saying He felt unhappy / anxious
but

by saying things like...

.the hair prickled on his neck as he thought of life without Ona.

or

his forehead creased / furrowed as he concentrated on how he could get the money.

His eyes blinked away tears as he tried to reassure Ona



these are poor examples i'm afraid
but the idea is to VISUALISE your body's response to emotion and use that in your writing

Make every word count. Avoid adverbs. avoid words such as has/had that don't add to the story

I would also think about simplifying the plot in this story

hope this is of help to you!

xxx geordie
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