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Overreaction-Wee #16
Mustiness wafted by as the partially decayed box from the attic was placed at her feet.
"Here," raising the tassel adorned cloth "Put it on."
A distant scream penetrated the silence.
"I'm scared," she said.
"You'll be fine; your brother will protect you."
The stale robe enveloped her; a cone embellishment covered her head.
"Mum, I don't..."
"You little witch, go!"
Crisp moonlit fog brushed her face as they scurried to the pathways end.
"You do it," he commanded.
Reluctantly reaching forward, heart pounding, ready to flee, she made contact.
The creaky door opened.
Her voice quivered.
tttrick..err..tttrreeat.
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Comment by: Cherley - 2007-11-16 12:35
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| I smiled when I got to the end. I thought maybe she was a real little witch and was about to go cast a spell on someone or fly into the night. |
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Comment by: dlynn - 2007-11-11 10:57
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Thanks Karen for your comments and critique.
Sorry my comment is late, I've been extremely busy.
Okay, I have made a few changes with the exception
of the last point you made with switching the sentence around.
It sounds good, but in my ears it doesn't fit/feel right to me.
I know others' may feel I am wrong, but I don't know why I feel resistance
in changing it. Hope that makes sense.
Thanks again for your critique, it is always appreciated!
(oops, exclamation) : )
Diane |
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Comment by: karjon - 2007-10-25 06:04
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Hi Diane
I liked this one - the wee girl's fear was obvious and I felt like I could smell that robe.
A few picky points:
Mustiness wafted by, as the partially
I don't think you need that comma.
"Here" raising the tassel adorned cloth.
"Put it on."
That doesn't really make sense at the moment because of the punctuation. Maybe:
"Here," - raising the tassel adorned cloth - "put it on."
"I'm scared." She said frightfully.
The full stop should be a comma, small 's' for 'she' and I'd cut 'frightfully'.
"You do it." he commanded.
Full stop should be a comma (or an exclamation mak, if you must).
Reluctantly reaching forward, she made contact.
Heart pounding, ready to flee. The door opened.
I'd be inclined to switch that around a little:
Heart pounding, ready to flee, she made contact. The door opened.
Her voice quivered, 'Tttrick..err..tttrreeat.'
Just my thoughts, Diane - it's your story, so only change what you think works.
Thanks for the read.
Cheers
Karen |
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Comment by: Stratus - 2007-10-24 06:00
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| I liked the grim tone and the images. Quick and fun piece. |
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Comment by: dlynn - 2007-10-23 18:30
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Thank you all for stopping in and commenting.
Next time, I will have beverages and Hors D'oeurves.
>Jim-Took care of the invisible dots. : )
>Louis, thanks for counting. I read through twice and I also came up with 100.
Hmmmm...I have a haunted page. Eeee...Eeee...Eeee
: )
Diane |
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