[Back to top]
|
|
|
|
| Fantastic ending. The café is not just a café, but a sort of haven, a metaphoric and existential shelter against a physical and mental warfare, and a gruesome confrontation with the death of body and identity. I loved this one, too :} |
|
|
I heartily second all the foregone comments, and would add that your conclusion in the coffee shop brought me up short...what an intense and serious buildup to a seemingly trivial goal--although the way some folk enjoy and obsess over their java, it seems less of a joke.
As a parable of life, the struggle we all go through to make it to a moment of leisure/reflection in the midst of our turmoil, your piece is an extravagant surprise. You ought to transfer the buildup to a theme that deserves it, was my first and too obvious reaction. But you expanded my expectations.
Blessings. |
|
|
| I'm impressed with your ability to make your rhyming in this poem come from a different place. I felt as if I was reading something very unique (which I was!). Often rhyme comes with a sing-song little melody. You didn't have that at all. This is an example on how rhyme should be done. ;) |
|
|
| A perfect portrayal o' the crowds in our local internet/coffee cafes. We go there for a much needed java jolt and get jolted by the reality o' the fight for that right. Well done m'friend! |
 |
Comment by: mafsa - 2007-10-27 00:57
|
|
You've told a simple tale with a genius of a style. Great flow and wordplay. Thanks for sharing this wonderful piece.
Now you parry, now you thrust
now you dash up to where the rock
forms small cover.
>favorite lines
Thumbs up!
Mary:p |
| 1 |
