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Faint Hope (terza rima)
Deception smiles this lie, bold on my face.
My lips turned into secret whispers of dark
shadows, muttered false against the mask of grace.
Tears flow down grease painted cheeks; the bark
of trees could never be so thick as this; skin
calloused from rubbing on knives that mark
and cut deep creases, where love falls in
to hide amid the blood and wounds and remain
scarred with each kind word and phony smile. I sin
self-loathing sighs of truth-tainted pain
as I hold you safe against the lies of living
here, within this loss and say I know again
and again. I know how hard it is to keep giving
voice to this hope that dies and I must bury deep.
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| I like the density of this poem with its sharp twists and turns, like a metaphysical poem maybe. It jarred a little when I couldn't find the subject of "remain" in the third verse, also I thought "rubbing on knives" a bit flat, though I understand the image of the callousing - often more damaging than the lies. The voice of this poem treads cold dark corridors and drifts up endless stone staircases, alone, hopeless. |
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| the grease stained cheeks...skin like bark... thought this was great. and the part about holding someone to protect them from the very lie that you're both part of. Did I understand that part right? |
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| Great symbolism, nice imagery. Well, actually some rather ugly imagery, but nice use of it, eh? You show the cuts words are capable of and you weight your words, weilding them with precission. |
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Comment by: - 2007-11-06 20:25
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This poem is beautifully structured. The rhyme scheme and shortness of the verses remind me of a haiku somehow. There's a quickness between each image that is appealing because of that.
I'm gonna bookmark this to come back to it later. Overall, it was very good. |
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Comment by: champagne Online- 2007-11-03 11:51
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Hi Rob,
Your suggestion only partly corrects the rhyme problem but still has some merit to it. Thing is, I see it as opening up an entirely different can of worms in its reliance on the passive voice; not to mention, adding a gerund to a poem already quite thick with the little "darlings" ;).
I would hate to add an ending that seems forced, so I'll be thinking longer on the solution, that's all. But thanks for the thoughts and I'll keep your rewrite idea in mind when it comes time to (maybe) edit this. |
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