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Maybe
Just a note: This is the beginning of a longer piece (still supposed to be a short story) that I'm in the process of writing.
*
Maybe
She definitely wasn’t the prettiest girl he’d ever seen. Her blonde friend was four inches taller and much better looking--everyone in the coffeehouse knew it and the girls knew it too.
It was probably the blonde friend he should have approached on that overcast November day. Her blue eyes were soft and kind, and her clothes sedate. She was one of those few girls who knew they were pretty, but didn’t think much of it. They would probably have gotten along well, if he’d approached her instead. They may not have been passionate, but content with mutual affection.
It doesn’t matter though, because when the one with chestnut brown hair tied messily in braids broke into peals of laughter, he looked at her first. It was only after he’d noted the single pink ribbon tied to one braid, the dark tight jeans, and the bright yellow rain boots that he looked up and noticed her much better looking friend. And it was too late, anyway. Kyle always went with his gut.
*
"You’re missing a ribbon.” Was the first thing the boy in the ripped leather jacket ever said to the girl in the yellow rain boots, waiting for his tall chai latte. Or maybe it wasn’t. Maybe he’d said “sorry” or “excuse me” after bumping into her in a crowd a few weeks before. They did live in the same city after all.
She examined her now naked braid, frowning to herself, “Huh,” she muttered, and then looked up at Kyle. It was hard to tell what she was thinking as she regarded him, her head tilted just slightly to the side. Then again, her tall blonde friend probably knew exactly what she was thinking. And that was probably why the corner of her mouth twitched the way it did.
“I’m Mackenzie,” the girl said, her voice surprisingly lilting, “This is Aubrey.” The blonde girl smiled a greeting.
Kyle gave a slight nod, “I’m Kyle.”
“You look familiar. Where do you go?”
"CSU.” Now that he’d made the first move, Kyle didn’t know what to say next. He wanted to say something witty and entertaining, like the kind of guy he was sure she went for. But all he could do was answer her questions with one word answers. Still, the girls didn’t seem to mind.
“We go to John Carroll. Are you going to the game tonight?” Aubrey said. He shrugged, “I’m supposed to, my friends have my ticket, but I’m not really in the mood.”
“Tall chai latte, no whipped cream.” Shit, Kyle thought. Now that he was done waiting in line, he had no excuse to talk to her anymore. His pride and some stupid unwritten rule would force him to pick up his drink and walk out of the coffeehouse without looking back. But Mackenzie hadn’t seemed to notice his drink being served. She just kept talking, and what she was saying caught him by surprise.
“You should come with us.”
Why would she invite a complete stranger to hang out with her and her friend? Sure he’d invited girls to parties before, but they were harmless and he’d been surrounded by friends. Maybe Mackenzie just didn’t care. He cocked his head at her and scanned their eyes. Aubrey’s were passive and calm, as if she were used to this, but Mackenzie's were alert and attentive. With her head tilted slightly back and her little half smile, she looked like she was challenging him.
“What about my friends?” He asked, like a test. Mackenzie smiled wider. “Blow 'em off.” He didn’t hesitate, “Okay. Where are we going?” She shrugged mischievously and her eyes twinkled, “On an adventure.”
*
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| I like it very much you inspired me greatly thanks |
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| I enjoyed this. I think its a great start to something bigger...I want to know what the adventure is. I think it was characters that drew me in. They are so different, yet each is equally intriguing. I read them this way: Kyle is not as sure of himself as he wants to make out. Aubrey has a sort of detached confidence, as if she were waiting until she's needed to pull everyone's fat out of the fire. Mackenzie is suppressed ginger and fizz...just waiting for someone to pull the cork. I think because you show us Kyle's doubts you are standing at his shoulder, as an author, rather than equally between them. You could shift later if you wanted to, but it seems an appropriate place to be. I got the sense that here were three people I would enjoy to go on an adventure with, and that though they might mess each other up a bit, it would be through folly rather than malice...and that they would therefore get each other to safety...not unpleasant companions to go on a story with. (sorry, to drivel on). |
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well... i see no wrong with it, but the upload looks a bit fucked.
try to reupload it... |
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I also saw your post. Remember that the suggestion for doing well here is to post a piece and then go comment on five others. Also you'll know which five will get you the most play by paying attention to the peer ranking bar. Long green, that's what you want. Now, your story.
I liked this. The others already mentioned the Mackenzie / Molly snag, but what about the he / the boy snag? When you start the second section, below the star? I wasn't immediately sure that this boy in the leather jacket was the same "he" I'd been reading about above.
One other small thing. At the beginning when you bring the tall friend into the story, "Her tall blonde friend was much better looking, everyone in the coffeehouse knew it and the girls knew it too."
This early in the story you don't have room for anything but the best, and in something this short, you need to tighten. Consider the diff between your line and this: Her blonde friend was a good four inches taller and much better looking, everyone in the coffeehouse saw it and the girls knew too.
Shows the height, gives the coffee house crowd a different action, "saw", than the girls "knew" And I'd have Molly / Mackenzie as a brunette. With those yellow boots and pink ribbons, the color scheme seems more in-your-face.
Hope it's helpful. You don't need to reciprocate. I've got only poems up here. |
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Okay, you may get this twice. My computer crashed. I saw your post so here we go. I like the indirect way you talk about his attraction. Its as if he's trying to talk himself out of liking her. It is a nice touch. This gets the reader's interest.
I found a few small things that I thought might be changed. Is Molly a nickname for Mackenzie? If so, I have never heard that before in my life. I had to skim back and make sure I had the names right. In such a short piece, do you want to mess with nicknames?
Second, you could show a bit more and tell less. In stead of telling me their relationship, perhaps show it in action a little more. This was a minor issue but it might make it a bit smoother.
Third, it does seem a bit unfinished. I think that if you want to it to stand alone, you may want play up the climax just a bit more. It feels more like an introduction. A great introduction but an intro, none the less.
Overall, it's a good scene. I like the indirectness of the telling.
Tirzah |
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