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Tales of Mother Goose - a prologue ...
A light breeze ruffled the leaves of the willows overhanging the pond. Wavelets lapped against the rocks, which bordered the sloping southern bank. A small girl gingerly stepped on the rocks, a bag clutched tightly in her hand. Her long, brown hair blew across her face, momentarily obscuring her vision and she wavered.
"Be careful, Juliette."
"It's okay. I'm alright," she called back and hopped lightly to the last rock. She turned back to watch as her mother pushed her Poppy's wheelchair close to the rocks. She smiled to them both - a sweet, innocent smile full of enthusiasm for life.
"Look Poppy," she called, pointing across the pond. "They're coming."
Swimming sedately over, came a flock of geese.
"That one, Poppy," Juliette called again. "That's Mother Goose."
Her grandfather looked towards her with eyes grown grey and watery with age. She was a vague, misty figure imposed on a shapeless background, but he smiled and nodded. Juliette continued to tell him about the geese and their antics as she fed them the bread scraps from her bag. Her words painted pictures in his mind and he saw again the geese from days long ago. When the bag was empty, Juliette carefully returned to his side.
"Tell me the Mother Goose story, Poppy. Please."
With his eyes closed and his memories strong, he told her the fairy tales that he had been taught as a small boy. She sat on the grass by his knees as he talked, and watched the geese swim majestically away.
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| Hi again. I loved your story and think it would make a great children's book with a little bit of illustration. I do agree that the main character should be introduced as soon as possible, and the first sentence is a great place for that, but I think the descriptions help to bring the reader a mental picture of the scene. Keep working at it and let your heart lead. That's the best critique. Janet |
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This almost feels like a fairy itself..it's a serene picture you've painted. Totally enchanting.
Took me a minute to work out who 'Poppy' was - (i thought is was another girl at first) |
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Comment by: Stratus - 2007-10-31 07:39
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Hello, Brokenpencil:
I’ve read this and for the most part the piece imaged well, your storytelling voice came through nicely. It’s really a sweet moment captured, one with a serene setting and real characters.
I’d like to suggest something for you to consider, not necessarily on this piece, but in general. Please keep in mind this is simply my opinion and in no way set in stone.
-- First, I think you’re adjective and adverb-heavy, particularly in the beginning when the reader’s attention needs to be captured. Ask yourself if there is a single word that says the same thing --
-light breeze
-sloping southern bank
-small girl (I’d use Juliette straight off here)
-gingerly stepped
-clutched tightly (how else can you clutch?)
-hopped lightly
Etc, etc, etc . . . I think qualifiers are important to flesh out a description, but my suggestion is to use them in moderation.
-- Finally, most successful stories (at least ones I’ve admired) are character driven. The reader looks to associate themselves with the character(s). One thing I’d look at when writing is to introduce your character immediately, in the first sentence even. Consider having ‘Someone do Something’. Incorporate the setting as you go along, preferably as part of the action.
-- Anyway, in any workshopping environment you’ll be given suggestions, some even contradictory. So in the end it all comes down to what feels right to ‘you‘. Mine are only minor suggestions to think about as you piece together your stories. They won’t always apply, of course, but at the very least you might consider structuring your piece several times, resequencing your sentences here and again, and reading which feels more ‘alive’ to you and go from there.
Thanks for the read! |
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| Thanks again, cantrall. I will try the changes you have suggested and see how it feels. |
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| instead of 'long ago days', try 'days, long ago'. And instead of 'he had learnt as a small boy'. try 'he had been taught, as a small boy'. This story has a nice, calm, feel-good quality about it. Just need to fine-tune it to keep the flow right. |
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