There once was a pirate without a ship
He had a wooden leg and a metal hip
A parrot, a sword, a flagon of rum
An eye patch, a beard and a broken thumb

His broken appendage and lack of a boat
Can be traced to the theft of a mighty fine coat
And the fact that his pride would not let him flee
When caught by a Pirate far bigger than he

It started one night, as often does, in an inn
Pirates out drinking with the rest of their kin
Singing and dancing, comparing their gold
Fighting and laughing inside from the cold

Twas all fine, all jokes and all joy
Brutes being brutes and wenches un-coy
Till in stepped that man, that monstrous fiend
Gazed round the room, on doorframe he leaned

“Ello ‘er chaps, you see me ‘ere?
Now you listen up close and you listen right clear
I lookin’ for ‘summun, ‘summun round ‘yere
Summun’ who laughs in front ‘a face fear”

“See I ‘av a voyage, a journey fer treasure
‘With ‘nuff booty to sate yer every sick pleasure
All ‘need is a deckhand, maybe a firs’ mate
Passage be tough but reward‘ll be great”

He sat in the corner with a juggered of wine
Waited as Pirates formed an orderly line
Till two of the biggest jumped to the front
Two of the biggest, a thug and a grunt

“I am the strongest, I can benchpress a horse
Arrgh but I’m better sailor, yer stearin’ is coarse
But I tie best knots, and I make the best grub
Arrgh but yer a real ‘alchy, ye never leave the pub”

And whilst this debate did fruitfully ensue
A thought in Our Pirate did suddenly imbue
That whilst this new pirate had everyone seething
‘Twas perfect time for a wee spot of thieving

Up and down the great tables, he ambled around
Pillaging all items there to be found
Into his great pockets, his sleeves, and his hat
Ripe pickings they were, his coat bulging fat

Towards the door he did burgle and sly
Until, in a daze, a fine coat caught his eye
Draped on a chair, ‘twas to be his doom
That diamond encrusted, fur coat of Baboon

Our Pirates head, it span and turned light
Truth be told, he’d never seen such a sight
There he swore oath on the stars and the moon
“Arrgh I must have that fur coat of Baboon!”

He dashed to the coat in lust and in passion
He’d thrown out caution like had gone out of fashion
His hands on the coat he gripped and held tight
‘Till heard “OI YOU!” and froze in cold fright

He turned and found a pirate raising his fist
A mountainous man with household red mist
It crashed on his nose, then twice on his thumb
Till it hurt and went blue, then broken and numb

Still Our Pirate refused to loosen his grip
Tossed against wall, floor and then over barstool did trip
Head first through a window, ‘twas the end of the bout
The coat had been taken and he was unconscious, knocked out

He woke some hours later his head and thumb sore
Coat and Coins taken, he was pillaged and poor
He sat up, looked around, and on his lap found a note
“I’ve gone to the docks and I’ve stolen yer boat!”

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