Haunted Love Lost - Alien's Challenge
Moon shines full
In a dark autumn night
Man walks hunched
Coat pulled up against chills
“Love me,” he hears
But the dress he sees is empty
It comes at him
And behind it are two others
“Love me, leave me, kill me,”
Three voices in unison come for him
He runs, terrified, knocks
A dress out of the air. And the street ends,
The fence gives way,
The dresses come for him as he stumbles,
Falls, the body breaks
As the dresses hiss to the ground
“Loved you, left you, killed you.”
The voices hiss into nothing
And the full moon shines
In a clear autumn sky.
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| A good narrative poem, Jen. The use of detail such as 'dark autumn night', 'Coat pulled up against chills' and 'dresses hiss to the ground' paint vivid pictures in the reader's mind. I like the tense, unearthly atmosphere and the piece has a good rhythm to it. Good stuff. |
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| Such an interesting idea...ghostly, disembodied dresses floating and killing...this one gave me chills! Very unique and haunting work. |
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Comment by: alien Online- 2007-10-31 08:56
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| I really like the tale here, but it's a little more like a flash fiction than a poem. If you re-wrote this as prose, it would actually be a really good piece of flash. |
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Comment by: champagne Online- 2007-10-31 07:45
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Ahhh, empty love and victims of fashion. And you say you're no poet. Your voice, in this poem, is a bit prosey but you kept the form and the theme. It's a fine piece inspired by a photo I couldn't find a poem in. You did and it's all it should be.
Take Care, Carrie.
p.s. This line "A dress out of the air. And the street ends," is perfection. You lead us in a bit of word play that I couldn't help but smile in. Thanks. |
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| Ooh, weirdness! I hope you made the deadline because I love this poem. |
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