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In the Cellar
We don’t go down there anymore. Dad says it’s not safe. We used to love playing in the cellar – it was great for hide ‘n’ seek, lots of dark corners and old boxes – but since Mum left, Dad has locked the door and we can’t find the key.
I thought I heard Mum earlier. Dad says it’s just my imagination.
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Comment by: karjon - 2008-01-18 09:14
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Sorry, Gareth - I missed your comments. Thanks so much for taking the time. Yep - Dad's a wrong 'un. Poor mum, poor weans. Another of my cheery stories.
Cheers
Karen |
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| This was very creepy, and told very well. The final paragraph really make the old hairs stand up on the back of the neck. Yep, I reckon dad's hiding something. |
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Comment by: karjon - 2007-11-18 10:59
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Yikes - I haven't thanked anyone - this keeps happening - it's the Alzheimer's (oh, there's a joke that'll come back and bite me one day). Apologies for being so rude.
Thanks, folks - and I think you're right about that line, Dylan - it does give the game away (hell's bells - how much moiney do I owe you now?)
Cheers
Karen |
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Nice, creepy little tale this one Karen. I've always liked your style of writing, and I've always liked the fact that whatever you write (be it crime, comedy, speculative, or even branching into horror) grabs my attention and holds it. I enjoy everything you write.
What let this story down, IMHO, was its predictability.
<but since Mum left>
This, for me, totally ruined any mystery to this piece. It's obvious there's something macabre in the cellar, but we don't know what - Dad could be doing experiments, he could be running a cult, he could be butchering the community, but we don't know.
Once we know Mum's left, there's no more suspense because it's obvious she's down there in some form, alive or dead.
<I thought I heard Mum earlier. Dad says it’s just my imagination.>
This would be a great line, holding more punch, if the 'since Mum left' part were removed. It still doesn't confirm to us that Mum is in the cellar, but it makes the reader think more, and use their imagination to dream up all sorts of scenarios with Mum, either in the cellar, or giving the children some sort of telepathic warning, or something else even.
I've rambled, but hopefully you get my meaning. Thanks, once again, for a good read.
Dylan. |
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Comment by: mitra - 2007-10-31 21:59
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| This is really great Karen. Many layers of the story condensed beautifully. The order in which the story is told make all the difference. |
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"Wonderful World of Worders"
A collection of micro-fiction by 72 writers, from 27 countries, compiled by Jenni Doherty, published by Guildhall Press with support from the Arts Council of Northern Ireland.
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