"I Vant vot I vant! I have come for your virtue," voiced Drac, stating the obvious.
Clarrie recoiled in rehearsed horror. Backing strategically into a corner, her eyes wide and staring, she trembled in anticipation of the torments and tribulations that were to be hers for all time.
Drac licked his lips and teeth, showing Clarrie his cherry-red tongue and his finely pointed blood-teeth. He advanced.
"It is no good you vanting a hero to crash through the vindow and rescue you, that only happens in films with happy endings," he taunted, mercilessly.
But, incredibly, this was the one occasion in real life when the hero did crash through the window and save the maiden's honour... till later.
Shards of glass and pieces of window frame exploded into the room as the multi-talented, six foot one inch hero of this story, entered the room in a totally unorthodox (but nevertheless, hero-like) way.
Trevor landed keenly poised on the debris strewn carpet, his... (yes, he's called Trevor. Have you got a problem with a hero called Trevor? Can I continue?) ... his brown corduroy trousers neatly pressed and his stripy cardigan buttoned and tucked in to his trousers (It's not all image you know. It's what he can do with his muscle to save the heroine, that's what matters. Anyway on with the action).
"Vot is dis, and vot you are vearing?" cried Drac, in disbelief. You haven't an ice-virgin's chance in Hell of defeating a classy dresser like vot I is."
(Aside) "Who's vriting this dribble, I don't talk like this, I'm being stereotyped as a Transylvanian Vampire with a speech impediment and bad grammar."
"It is I, Trevor. Umm, Trevor Derek Smith, that is, from Chippenham in Wiltshire, come to save the fearful maiden from the pointy, gnashy things that you, Mr Dracula of Eastern Europe propose to lodge in her fine, alabaster-white neck."
"Oh, deep joy! An English hero, vith all the culture and sophistication that a Vest Country yokel can possess."
Drac's sarcasm was not usually this subtle, but his words were being written for him, so he had to go with the flow.
