 |
 |
 |
| |
PoisonChalice
We didn’t know what it was. It, was just there. Poised for action. A defiant, of all who witnessed it. What was it? We would ask confused. She would never tell us. No matter what we said, she would never reveal what was there. “It has a purpose like all who see it.” The sentence I would never let go. A tyranny of memory, the answer was there. But where? It was, a simple object blowing, in the west winds. Holding secrets that it only knew, a possessor of all witnessed objects. How would we know? How could we describe the Chalice. The chain silver. Hold a binding atmosphere. The center golden crisp. Revealing a wrought fall.
“Why is it here?”
“But, why are you here?” She would answer.
That’s what she would answer.
Want to comment on this Short Stories?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Short Stories and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
|
 |
|
[Back to top]
|
|
 |
Comment by: RSK - 2007-11-08 06:40
|
|
| No, no that's fine. There are a few points in which I could give a little more info on. The answer does not lie in the text. But I wrote so you could form your own idea of what it is. My idea is different than yours or someone else. I want it to be open to all who read it. It may sound weird or "Blah" But again thanks for the input. |
 |
Comment by: karjon Online- 2007-11-08 06:05
|
|
Hi Jeff
Well, you've confessed that spelling is not your strong point, but could you fix the title 'Poison'? Go on, it'll just take a second.
This is a good idea, but it needs the punctuation fixed so that the reader can make sense of it, it needs line breaks, too. For example, it could look like this:
We didn’t know what it was. It was just there, poised for action, defiant of all who witnessed it.
'What is it?' we would ask, confused.
She would never tell us. No matter what we said, she would never reveal what was there.
“It has a purpose, like all who see it.” The sentence I would never let go. A tyranny of memory. The answer was there, but where?
It was a simple object, blowing in the west winds, holding secrets that it only knew, a possessor of all witnessed objects. How would we know? How could we describe the Chalice. The chain silver, hold a binding atmosphere. The center golden crisp, revealing a wrought fall.
"Why is it here?”
“But, why are you here?” she would answer.
That’s what she would answer.
**********
Read your work aloud and you'll hear where the punctuation should go. I'm not sure my version is any better as I found a couple of your sentences a little confusing.
Jeff, I hope you don't think I'm being harsh or taking over your story - just trying to help. We're all here to learn
Cheers
Karen |
|
Comment by: RSK - 2007-11-03 21:02
|
|
| Thanks for the input. I suppose I should post a warning to my writing. I'm a horrible speller and as far as grammar goes... But thanks for the great comments. |
|
|
This poses a few questions, Jeff. The unanswered questions that bring no enlightenement. There is a depth and a mystique to your images. Perhaps some of your short sentences could be joined to give more variety on sentence lengths, but it didn't feel wrong, just more like a series of brief statements in places.
'Hold a binding atmosphere.' elluded me, but there were some great lines, such as: 'a possessor of all witnessed objects'
As Ana says, watch out for comma usage. It trips up a reader if uneccesary commas are present or necessary ones are missing.
But overall, the story had a certain style and mystery.
Thanks for the read, Jeff - Grae. |
 |
Comment by: antunes - 2007-11-02 11:25
|
|
Very imaginative, such an eerie dissertation... That reminded me of Pandora's box: what is outside is the reflection of what is inside. It's almost like being in a Coma. But watch out for those commas, sometimes there are simply accessories, and other times not necessary, such as:
It(,) was just
It was(,) a simple object blowing(,) in the west winds.
I like the flow: "It was just there. Poised for action. A defiant, of all who witnessed it." Poised, and poisoned... thanks for a nice reading! |
| 1 |
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
