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Hollow Corners of her Mind
The clock on the nightstand read 11:15 pm in large green neon. She closed her eyes, and prayed for sleep to set in.
At 12:30 am footsteps echoed from the marble staircase and made their way toward the bedroom. She rolled on her side and pulled the covers tightly around her shoulders.
The door opened. She peeked out from her facade to catch his wobbly silhouette on the wall, illuminated by the fall moon. She quickly shut her eyes again,maintaining the stillness of a corpse. A familiar stench penetrated the room and sickened her stomach.
He undressed at the bedside and slid in beside her. The odor became stronger as he loosened the covers around her and moved in closer. His naked body pressed into her.
His large callused hand untied her pajama bottoms. His fingers slowly crept around the edges of her panties. She gently pushed his hand away which caused him to become more forceful. She didn't speak a word, nor resist his advances. He shimmied off her bottoms and panties and rolled her onto her back like a rag doll. Her stomach churned as he breathed directly in her face. She wasn't sure which sickened her more, the volitile smell of sour whiskey mixed with stale cigarettes, or her helplessness to stop it all.
She could feel her stomach acid burn her esophagus. The contents of this evening's reheated dinner sat like a lump in her throat. She knew she might not hold it down.
Her hips moved in sync with his. She wanted it to be done and massaged him to help him along She did this for several minutes without avail. She sunk her fingernails deep into his leathery back and felt his skin break beneath her perfectly manicured nails.
This seemed to do the trick for both. He enjoyed the pain, proudly and claimed what he thought was rightfully his, and she retreated to the hollow corners of her mind oblivious to her numbness and surroundings. He forcefully violated her. He tried to kiss her but she turned her head away from the sickening vile odor. He finished with a grunt and collapsed on top of her.
Minutes later snoring pierced her ear and the weight of his body made it hard for her to breathe. She slipped out from under his entangled grasp, dressed, and went into the bathroom. She vomited.
She walked over to the sink to wash up and looked into the mirror. She ran her delicate fingers across her tiny flushed face. The reflection of her diamond wedding band caught her attention. Silently, she hung her head and sobbed.
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Bill,
Thank you for all your constructive criticism.....it's great to get some free advice from a seasoned professional. I will definitely take your suggestions and put them to use. It nice to see that I was onto something...thanks! |
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Hi Sherri, I think this story has possibilities. Of course, there's lots of tension in the situation you describe. But I thinkn there are some things you can do to add to the tension. Also, this is a piece of flash fiction where absolutely every word counts (at least, so I'm told). There are some edits you could make to tighten things up:
It read 11:15 pm in large green neon - how about "11;15 flashed in green neon,"
She closed her eyes and tried to quiet her mind, pleading for sleep to set in - how about "She closed her eyes and pled for sleep."
At 12:30 am footsteps echoed from the marble foyer and staircase and were making their way toward the bedroom. How about, "At 12:30, she heard the echo of his footsteps as he lurched towards their room"
Okay, now I'm not trying to re-write your story with these examples. You should probably throw them away and write something of your own. What I am trying is do is suggest what you can do to make your sentences more vibrant, so that each one pushes us on to the next. This is a story about violence and revulsion. The shorter, the more active the sentences, the better we feel what you are trying to communicate.
I'd also try to avoid the use of too many adverbs and adjectives. This is a tough one. I'm constantly writing about how someone "walked stealthily" into a place, and then changing it to "snuck," or "crept." Find good strong verbs to describe your action, and try as much as possible to avoid the passive voice.
Hope you find something here useful. Cheers. |
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Robert,
Thank you for your suggestions. I knew those were problem areas as well so I should have edited it before I posted. Your consturctive critism was very helpful....thank you for taking the time to read and offer your thoughts. |
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Comment by: Stratus - 2007-11-02 22:36
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Not too bad. The tension, the fear, the loneliness, even the hate came through in the narrator’s tone, though she didn‘t say so. It’s a real thing, the emotions and actions probably occur in countless beds every night. Interesting enough to keep me reading to the end.
I arched my back at this - She then sunk her fingernails deep into his leathery back and felt his skin break beneath her long manicured nails.
Couple of things caught my eye:
she peeked out from behind her eyes (This just didn‘t image right)
She felt his hand untie her pajama bottoms slipping his large callused hand inside her panties. (This is an awkward structure, too. Consider ‘She felt his large calloused hand untie her pajama bottoms and slip inside her panties.’ or something to that effect.)
He breathed directly in her face, unsure of which sickened her more, the volitile smell of sour whiskey mixed with stale cigarettes, or her inability to stop what he was doing. (This needs to be broke up into two sentences, or else the ‘unsure’ needs better attribution. As it reads, it sounds like he’s the one unsure)
probably hoping that would make him aroused. (I’d restructure this, slightly. ‘probably hoping that would arouse him.)
Anyway, just a couple of suggestions. It was a decent read. Thanks. |
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| I guess you could say a little of both. |
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